Not for one minute did I think I was going to be writing a post about this on Hive, let alone in response to a weekly prompt. And yet, as I sat with my thoughts and my grief I realised that one of the options I'd seen on GalenKP's Weekend Engagement post - "Time to die" - is actually exactly what I want to write about right now.
She was in her early eighties, my aunt by marriage, who I had known my entire life.
We were not close but she was nice enough. I had no strong feelings, either positive or negative when I thought of her prior to this weekend.
I adore her husband, my uncle by birth, however. And he had been married to her for more than 50 years.
I was sad for him. I am sad for him.
I called him just now to see how he was doing and express my condolences.
He told me how it ended.
I tried to stifle my tears lest I bawl into his ear only a day after his wife's passing.
Minutes later he was doing his usual trick of telling me a joke; this is how he ends all his phone calls. This one was no different.
My aunt had been in a nursing home for a few years now. Her physical and mental health had declined so much that her younger husband, who had been her carer for years already, couldn't keep up with it all on his own.
Begrudgingly I think, with some guilt mixed with relief, he'd moved her into a nearby home with full-time nurses on hand.
He visited her several times a week, and as she declined even more, he was seeing her every day. In between, he attempted to keep up with his own self-care, cooking, swimming, physio, and his own doctor's appointments.
I haven't seen either of them in years. They live (or rather, he lives and she lived) more than 1,000km from our home in Brisbane.
I'm still trying to work out if it will work to fly down for the funeral. No date has been set yet but it's likely to be in the next 10 days.
It would be a good opportunity to hug my beloved uncle, to see my aunt, my cousins, my second cousins, plus several of my own immediate family.
And it would be a good chance to cry some more.
It took me a while to cry after my sister called me to tell me the news.
I don't know if it was shock or because very quickly I felt angry at her for the way she went into control mode trying to tell me what she wanted me to do.
I wasn't sure if the lack of tears was because my aunt and I weren't close and I'd been mentally preparing for her death for years already.
I was reminded of the bad shape she was in every time I spoke with my uncle.
But when something finally triggered my tears last night I realised I do feel grief - I was simply numb and still trying to make sense of everything I was feeling.
With each mini cry I have had since I have felt lighter, more grateful for life and more at peace with what is.
I think we're rubbish at dealing with, looking at, and being okay with death here in Australia. I hazard to say it's the same in the U.S., Canada, the UK and all countries that were, at some point, invaded by and civilised as British Nations.
We see death as bad and we try to avoid talking about it, thinking about it, and planning for it. We try to starve it off as long as possible.
Apart from sharing with you what's happening in my life right now, I'm also (attempting) to write to this prompt from Galen's group:
Time to die
Euthanasia, ending the life of an ill human to limit suffering, is a very contentious issue.
What are your thoughts? Talk about being for or against it and the reasons you feel that way. Is there a valid use-case and if so, why?
My aunt has been in physical pain to greater and greater degrees for years now.
Her mind, that is, her connection to the here and now, has also been worsening to the point where she would forget that my uncle was her husband semi-regularly.
While it is very sad for anyone to lose their spouse - whom they love, their mother - whom they love, or their grandmother - whom they love, the reality is that all of her closest family members had already been losing her for years already.
To me, it begs the question:
When did we put the length of our life ahead of the quality of our life?
and
Why do we think it's okay to let someone continue to suffer in a body that's hurting and with a mind that's failing when we have the ability to let that person leave us and leave all that pain behind?
For so many years we've been artificially keeping people alive with drugs. And, let me be clear, this isn't a light topic for me. It's hard for me to think about because my own father, who I adore and who lives several countries and an entire day's plane ride away, is only alive because of the cocktail of prescription drugs he takes every day.
But he too is in physical pain every single day. He too is struggling to move, to do things, and to live a decent quality of life.
I can't speak for what my aunt would have chosen if euthanasia was legal in her state...
(I just looked this up now: As it turns out, a law has been passed in all states of Australia only in the last month to allow people - under a series of strict circumstances - to choose "Voluntary Assisted Dying" as it is called here. It's still not legal in New South Wales until November this year and it remains illegal in the Northern Territory and the Australian Capital Territory. Source).
...but I'm fairly certain that my Dad would choose to die if his pain got much worse and his quality of life declined much more.
It's not fun stuff to talk about. But I think we need to. Especially in places like Australia where we are so rubbish at grieving, so avoidant of all things related to death, and where we have, for so long, allowed people to continue to live on for years and years and years with an awful quality of life.
I would hate to see these laws abused. And I'm all for very strict guidelines that protect the life and choice of older adults, or any adults, really. But I'm also for humans have agency - over their life and also, over their death.
CC x
I know this isn't an easy topic to look at or talk about. I know that, here on Hive, we have people from so many different countries and cultures and with a really wide range of religious beliefs.
Please know these are my own thoughts. This is what I feel and what I believe. It is not my place to tell anyone else what they should or should not do in their life, in their family or in their culture.
We may not agree on this topic and that is okay. We don't have to agree on everything to be kind to one another. If my post has upset you in any way please remember to be kind to me, in general, but especially as I grieve. If you hate my stance on this, go tell someone else, or write your own post about it. Just don't tag me. Leave me be with my grief.
{All beautiful photos, of life, taken by me.}
