Breaking up with friends. The things they never warn you about.

This week I realised something:

It was time.

It was time to finally tell that woman I'd been friends with for years that the friendship didn't feel aligned or nourishing anymore and I wanted to say goodbye.

Nobody tells us how to break up with our friends.

Perhaps, because a lot of people don't consciously choose to do this. For many people friendships only end because:

• someone leaves town (and aren't on social media)
• someone dies, or
• there's a big fight over something that feels important enough to tear the relationship apart

I had none of these things with this friend.

She's a kind, conscious, ever-evolving woman who loves me. But I'd had this growing feeling of discontent for months already.

See the thing they (whoever "they" are) don't tell us as we consciously choose to heal our past traumas and grow into more authentic versions of ourselves is that we're going to need to say some goodbyes along the way.

We can't take everyone with us on our journey, and we're not supposed to.

It kind of reminds me of that saying:

Some friends are here for a reason, others for a season and some for a lifetime.

Or at least, it's something like that.

I know I have a tendency to be loyal to the point of hurting myself.

I tend to hold onto things (people, relationships) longer than is good for me.

It took a lot of courage to find a way to gently but honestly say goodbye to my friend.

She took it really well, bless her. (It's a credit to all the work she's done in healing her own past and how well she practices what she teaches her own clients). But I know that it would have hurt a lot. And I hate hurting people.

But when I have to choose (and I feel safe enough to do so) I choose not to keep hurting myself.

My intuition was telling me, loud and clear, that I needed to say goodbye.

I could see that the deep nervous system work I've been doing through the wonderful work of Irene Lyon had changed me. I was no longer the person I used to be and I no longer wished to relate to this friend the way I once did.

The new and improved Caroline, who has more capacity and self love than ever before, no longer fit in that relationship. She was gone and I was trying to bend the newest me into this old space.

It was uncomfortable. I wanted better, for me and for her.

I wanted to make space for someone new who could relate to me the way I want to be related to now. And I wanted her to have the opportunity to have a new friend who might share more of the things that interest her that had been boring or bugging me for months listening as I patiently listened because that's what friends do.

Apparently, that's what friends do. If they're tolerating each other because they think they can't have better.

But I think I can have better.

Not a better woman, she's awesome. I still respect her a lot and may still refer people to her for her work.

But I wanted a better match for me in a friend.

I want friends who can be as deeply present with me as she was, who value and appreciate my suggestions, but who also are really keen to know about me and what's happening in my life.

I also want to be friends with people who are deeply interested in restoring nervous system regulation and increasing they're capacity to feel and be with life.

It's brave work.

It's life changing work.

It's 'my life is going to be awesome but I might go through friends the way I go through shoes' work. 😂

I hate saying goodbyes.

When I got her kind and thoughtful reply I sat in the bush and I bawled. Three times.

This isn't an easy path I've chosen but it's the only thing that makes sense to me.

I refuse to stay stuck when I know how to move. I refuse to stay small when I know how to grow. I refuse to stay a victim to the traumatic experiences of my past when I know how to refind my power again.

But gosh, the things they never tell you, hey?

Have you ever consciously chosen to break up with a friend? If so, what did you do and how did it go?

{And to all my "friends" here on Hive, hi!!! 👋👋👋 This story is about ending a very close friendship with a woman I shared big secrets, fears, dreams and the like with. When it no longer felt aligned, in this case, I couldn't just switch to texting occasionally as others sometimes suggest.

There's a big difference between my nearest and dearest friends who come close to my precious heart and those I connect with online. If I said kind and enthusiastic things on your posts this week, I'm probably going to next week. 😉 As long as we share common interests of any kind I'm probably going to want to keep reading your stuff. 😁}

Photo by @new.things. Thank you, babe.