A message
I was not able to look at my messages for the whole week because I was busy with work. When I finished my work today I stumbled on a certain message that says, "Someone close to me was in the hospital". The word hospital is my weakness. I cannot fathom looking at someone lying in those hospital gown, helpless. My childhood trauma is the hospital. You want to know why?
The Word
I've been a sickling when I was a child, my Mama used to encourage me to take those meds, vitamins and milk ( which I hated by the way because of the bitter taste). I still remembered my pedia's name and she's in her late 70's now and her son became a doctor, too. Everytime we walk in the hospital elevator, I would look at my Mama's exhausted, worry face. I promised myself to not only be better, but be stronger for my Mama's sake. So, I gained my health back. My Mama was my inspiration. A definition of a valiant, adventurous woman. I know we, humans are just passersby but I didn't know that my Mama would leave earlier. You can never tell she had been sick because she always put a joyous facade behind her pain.
My Mama
Little did we know, she had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (a type of cancer that begins in your lymphatic system which is part of the body's germ-fighting immune system), her immune system is badly down. It came like a lightning bolt. I was still 9 years old at that time. After confirming, she took chemotherapy sessions once a week, then after 3 months it became, 3 times a week. I think you've seen a corpse right? My Mama looked like that, but I still see in her the courageous Mama she's ever been. When I look at her face I'd have this guilt inside, that I can't even lessen the pain that she'd been feeling.
A starry night
This had been my most treasured moment. My Mama went home after a month in the hospital, she's smiling ear to ear. Her hairless head, wrinkled skin, circles under her eyes cannot hide the fact that she's happy being home. She wanted me to go with her outside. I don't want her to go out because it was chilly, she might get pneumonia again and could complicate things. But, she insist. So I told her to put on a jacket. We sat down for about 10 minutes. It was still vivid in my memory, the quietness of the night with a touch of chilly breeze. Then I told my Mama, if I could put my head in her lap (I used to sleep in her lap, this is how we bond with each other), she knodded. My head felt her lap, the ever voluptuous lap became skinny to the extent of feeling her saggy skin. I heed no attention about her physical state, instead I looked up and gazed into the sky. I told her, "Mama look up." It was a night full of stars as if, there's a celebration in heaven at that time. It's as if you can hear those sparkly, twinkling stars murmuring to each other. I on the other hand, silently wished that my Mama could overcome her sickness but if she's tired of the battles that she's been through, then she can take a rest. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted her to be with me until I'm old. I wanted to be with her for the longest time. But, seeing her lifeless face makes me think otherwise. After that night, there was an ambulance waiting for her outside the house. Before she went on the ambulance, she glance and said she'll be home soon. Did she really went home?
Goodbyes and heartaches
Weeks had passed and we were told that Mama was still in the hospital. So, we tried our best to be normal at school and everything. On June 12, 2012 at 3:15am, I was awakened by a gush of wind hugging me from behind. My tears rolled down my eyes continuously, without a reason. Then the phone rang. I picked up the phone. It was my Tiya's voice. She spoke with my Auntie, their voice were shaky. They told me to go back to sleep because they had something very important to talk about. But, I did not went to sleep. I cried harder because I know Mama's gone. When you say gone, it's intertwined with the word forever. A person may be gone but the pain and longing stays forever.
Fabricating Life
It's still unknown what life after death is. There may be some vague testimonies about it and it's inspiring to have an overview about it, it may or may not be true depends on our beliefs. One thing I can say is that, we may live in all the glamours in the world, we cannot fabricate life. If the ending has been written, we may not want to accept it but we must embrace every tomorrow that comes after today, because creating memories limitlessly is one of the best treasures you can bequeath to your loved ones.
Thank you once again for reading and supporting my writings. Don't forget to comment down your insights about this piece. May you have a great day. God bless you always.
