It is Sunday morning here and I just finished Chapter Two of the Workbook. It was an even faster read than Chapter One. I'll dive into chapter two of the actual book later today most likely while waiting for the Superbowl this evening.
The second chapter dives into Dr. Kolk's time at the Masssachusetts Mental Health Center as a student. He talks about how the therapy at the time was impersonal and that some of the treatment at the time may have even triggered the patients past trauma.
One of the subjects of interest I found intriguing was that some are addicted to their trauma. There is a section titled "The Pain of Pleasure and the Pleasure of Pain". It talks about how many PTSD patients are bored or feel empty "unless engaged in some sort of dangerous or hihgly stressful activity".
This stuck out to me as it seems when I was younger, even up until about eight years ago, I was atracted to high stress situations at work. I felt normal and alive being under pressure. When I was in the military, my most enjoyable years was when I served in the riskiest of roles. I started hating it when I was eventually assigned staff duties later in my career.
Funny thing is now, I avoid risk like the plaque and want nothing to do with stress. In fact I notice I start to shut down in stressful situations the last few years and will sometimes put my head in the sand, although I will eventually deal with it, but not head on like I used to.
This to me is defintely something worth exploring more with my therapist and plan to in a couple weeks when I meet with her. I want to talk to her more about what is supposed to be Kolk's key takeaways from the chapter:
In the exercise for the chapter, it asked to build on the previous chapter which was reflecting on the trauma.
Step 1: With the tramatic event in mind, brainstorm all the feelings you associate with it and all the actions you could take to prevent it from heappening again. Also, include all the actions you take to simplau feel better about that past incident.
Because of the event surrounding the helicopter crash and Cpl "S" specifically, I feel sadness for his family and his short lived life. I feel angry at myself because I feel I owe it to him. I feel numb because I am helpless. I have feelings of anxiety anytime I hear about crashes of planes or helicopters.
When I start thinking about the incident, I try to change my thoughts to something more joyful or occupy myself with something to take my mind of it. I also take some anxiety medication.
Step 2: Reflect on each feeling and action from Step 1 and question how necessary/helpful they are. Some might be needed and others might be obsolete for your new reality.
Trying to change my thoughts to something other than the incident usually doesn't work. However, if I am able to keep myself physically busy with something that requires me to engage my brain, it usually helps. anxiety medication has proven useless.
Step 3: Reflect on how you could change the obsoltete ideas and the challenges this might entail.
I need to try to find a hobby that allows me to engage my mind and body that I am physically able to do. This seems to be the only thing that works to some extent, but is not always completely successful.
Although I collect coins, the sorting, filing and stuff I do with them doesn't do the trrick to clear my mind of the incident. I have tried it. I would like to find a hobby I can do year round, even during the cold winter when I need to stay inside.
Any ideas?
Previous Posts in the Series
Thanks for reading,
Joe
Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using MS Paint and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.
