I suppose at some point we all struggle with a need for control. I've written about this topic in the past and I was reconsidering it over the last week. I still feel that ultimately the need for control stems from personal desire, but what is the actual root of that desire? Why does it manifest in so many different ways? I thought I'd explore this concept in more depth today and explore my own thoughts on how to let go of the need to control anything external to ourselves.
The answers or solutions to this particular "problem" seem to stem from accepting that we feel out of control. We can feel out of control of pretty much everything and the natural response that many of us jump to is to try and control everything external to us. That can be other people, the environment, and the rules of existence itself. I spent many years trying to address my own problems by controlling the perception of all of those other factors in my life, but when I was left alone with no one or nothing else to blame, I came to the conclusion that I had to take responsibility for my own insecurities and make peace with my lack of control of anything external to myself.
I suppose that at the core of this issue is what we generally refer to as the human condition. We seem to always want what we can't have and the natural inclination is to look to other people or things to provide it. That can be love, finances, structure, or any other number of things. Learning how to manage our own desires and need for control is something that is as difficult to do as it is to teach. I feel that many of us actually do a better job of presenting that we have that control than ever actually developing it, but it is actually something that we can manage if we are willing to put the time and effort into it.
The goal is the most abstract part of this whole process, as we can't simply desire less. We can't look to another person or thing as the solution to our perceived issue, as ultimately we are the one that has to find a way to make peace with it. Making a check list and trying to create rules to manage our lives and the lives of others only works from a slavery mindset. The truth is neither I or anyone else for that matter ever has to do a single thing we don't want to do. We don't have to allow anything we don't want to allow. So why do we do it?
I've come to the conclusion from my own experience that most of us just can't see the cage we put around ourselves. We have a fear of death, abandonment, or the unknown, and we try to use other people or things to control that fear, so we in turn become slaves to the people or things we are trying to control. This can come in the form of addictions, abusive relationships, or working jobs that we don't want all to provide something we have an idea of needing. It will never be enough though. Thirty years of trying to fill that empty hole of fear inside of me with anything you can imagine from drugs to people to things just made that empty feeling keep growing.
Should anyone feel guilty for existing? Should anyone feel so indebted to another person that they sacrifice their own happiness or lives to feel in control? I can't answer that question for anyone else, but my answer is no. Holding on to ideas, people, or things that do nothing but help me placate my own fears is a zero sum game and the choice that I came to was to stop playing that game by any means necessary. It turns out that in that moment of surrender and giving up on the idea that I would ever control anything external to myself, I was able to find all of the control I ever needed and that is something that can't be taken away. I like to think of it as having faith in myself as much as everything external to myself. Namaste.
