I have created this blog to update my progress into Mindfulness.
Today is my 1st entry and so my journey starts.
I have walked this earth for 53 years now and as with many before me, I've gone through the discovery of myself and where I fit into this world.
In my youth, I have followed the Christian beliefs, even work myself up into the church's ranks to become a decan. That was where my Christian path ended. The church learned of my sexual orientation and was given a choice.
I can lose my title in the church, become an ordinary follower, but I have to live a celibate life - leaving my then partner of 5 years. or I will be censored and be kicked out of the church. Well, that was an easy decision to make.
Now here I was age 30 something, belonging to no church and feeling miserable. Depression sad in and soon the love of my life - or so I thought- left me. Godless, single and depressed, what a combination.
I fell at work and injured my neck and spend a while in the hospital. - all alone. Nobody visited me, I did not know if I will ever have control over my leg arm, blader, and balance again. -All alone.-
In September 1999 I had a neck operation, some of my vertebrae were fused, and bleeding on my spinal cord was stopped. I left the hospital with a weakened right-hand side, partly parallelized blader, and an eye that doesn't want to focus. -Still all alone- No family no friends visited me all this time. All alone.
After being cooped up in my flat for months, I have decided that tonight was a good night to go for a drink. The date: 26 December 1999. A lonely Christmas day, Boxing day did not go by any different and I needed distraction from my life.
That night I met Ivan. My dear friend, lover, and soul mate. 22 years of companionship and counting.
At least now I am not lonely anymore, but something was still missing, I still didn't know where I belong in the world.
I made the motor industry my career and saw the world. I've been to India, Korea, I've played in the waters of Mauritius and even attended some rugby games in Japan. I was blessed.
2020 started with a big bang for me, Started a new job at an awesome brand in our little town, and then the unthinkable happened.
I had to choose between my career and my health, my beloved motor industry has kicked me out. I was of no use to it anymore.
Depressed and with no hope of gainful employment again, I found myself again. What are my options: Suicide? I am in any case worthless to this cruel world. The only thing that has carried me through that darkness was, Ivan. What would happen to Ivan, he stood by me in all my hours of need. I can't do this to him. It's not fair to him.
My soul is empty and I see only despair, No hope. but I have to keep on living, that I knew.
One day whiles watching Youtube, I came across a mindfulness video. I have heard of this word before, and my understanding of it was, that I have to be nice to other people and not harm their feelings.
I've watched the video and something clicked inside me. I so desperately looking for a place to fit in. to be somebody that everybody looks up to... To be the successful person whom I pretended to be for years.
I have taken on a diploma course in mindfulness, spent my last savings money on it, just to learn that I already have what I needed. I am alive, I have a place to stay - Till my odd money dries up - I have food to eat and I am not lonely anymore.
I have learned to take life as it comes, appreciate the small miracles that are presented to me.
I have learned that through gratitude comes appreciation. But the biggest lesson I've learned was: that we do not need money to be our true selves. Yes, I catch myself worrying about where our rent money will come from, or what will happen if either of us gets sick. I have also learned to trust the universe.
I will post my personal progress and understanding of mindfulness in this blog. Hopefully, it can inspire someone, and lift them up from that deep pit of despair.
