For a few weeks now I have been having some difficulty sleeping. To the point that insomnia has become more common than it should be. Between accumulated worries, anxieties and everyday stress, I have given myself time for contemplation and reflection. Sometimes, I simply take advantage of the stillness of the early morning and go out to walk the streets of my neighbourhood. I simply have no real reason, I just walk, sometimes I take the opportunity to take a few photographs and sometimes I just use that time to be completely alone...
I've always had a somewhat melancholic personality. In the last few weeks it's been a bit more common than I'd like to admit... That's for sure, but no matter how hard I try to find the cause of my insomnia, I just can't figure out why... I guess it's because I feel like my life is in a constant monotony. As if it were a boring circle that has nothing to do with the fire that I've always known has dwelled in me... I don't regret many things, it's just a question of observation and an increase in anxiety that also takes its toll on me.
Now I do not feel (either) particularly bad or sad. It's more like a dual feeling with my loneliness.... Sometimes, I pretend to be with people, who I know care about me and that they care about me too, but then I feel a kind of boredom... I've even talked about it with a couple of therapists, and despite tests and certain social exercises and meditation, I think that there is something in my solitude that calls me and that generates a constant search in the style of Galeano. Well, a utopian search?
As Galeano says in one of his excellent books, "he spent his time chasing utopia. While he took one step forward, to the horizon, utopia took two steps back...". I like to watch the night illumination. Bad luck to me, and to my poverty, for not having the tools to capture the beauty that only the nights can offer. In a way, I know there is a quota of negativity and discouragement in my words. I myself am able to detect it. Also the people around me often tell me so.... However, what I love and what attracts my attention, is to try to drain through pure reflection what I dislike on a daily basis?
This is important for me to be able to understand myself completely. Ever since I was a child, I didn't like hustle and bustle and crowds. My psychologist calls it "social anxiety". I have no reason to disbelieve her, and she always tells me that it's because of the way my mind learned to isolate itself from what used to hurt me as a child. I like that definition, and I like it even more now? I don't feel that it's wrong, the only thing I do feel, is that physically I'm starting to get a bit of a bill. .... Basically, because I self-sabotage precious hours of restful sleep.
Perhaps the worst thing is that the next day the whole cycle repeats itself. As if it were the lost chapters of what happened in Fight Club. I think D. Fincher would be happy to read how I relate my habitualness, my routine .... So, to give an urgent and necessary conclusion to this post, I must say that all the photos you will see here correspond to different days of this same week. They are from last Sunday to the end of this Friday afternoon... A personal reflection, somewhat nihilistic but totally free of intentions and pretensions... Sometimes, even insomnia has no apparent reason, it is only a means to an end.
