Here's how my anxiety works: I'm sitting on the couch tonight after work, drinking a seltzer and watching the simpsons, and I've been feeling this cloud of anxiety that wants to break my surface going on 5 days now. All of the sudden I start getting heart attack symptoms, (because this is where most of my fear and panic stems from, that and my tumor may grow back). Im trying to calm myself down when Catsy; who never snuggles me; jumps up on me and falls asleep on my chest, face in my face.... I start to relax a bit thinking how nice it is that she feels my panic and wants to calm me down...... OR maybe this is a goodbye hug. Maybe she senses it IS really a heart attack this time and this is how she's saying goodbye. Irrational thoughts brought on most likely by heart burn from the gallon of cholulua I put on my dinner..... even though i took a Prilosec and it isn't helping. It's probably not helping because I'm actually having a heart attack. My left jaw hurts too - which is also a sign of a heart attack. My wisdom teeth are impacted and that's PROBABLY why my jaw hurts - but what if it's not?
So I've been laying in bed for an hour praying to god and trying to rationalize my thoughts. I also took a xanax that i just praised myself last week for not needing in months..... which is also making me exhausted but I need to fight off sleeping because I need to make sure I'm awake if it gets worse so I can go to the hospital for the 4th time this year....... I've had panic attacks ever since I could remember and there's periods of it not being in my life and periods where it runs rampant for weeks, months at a time. I don't normal post such personal stuff but as I lay here not enjoying any emotion or feeling, and have had this panic attack waiting to surface for almost a week, I'm angry. I have so many wonderful things in my life that I'm happy about. I just married my best friend, I have a great job and get to work with a lot of really amazing people who love and support me, I have an amazing family, my friends are wonderful, my cats are HILARIOUS, I'm healthy, a lot of people confuse my red $12 target converse look-a-likes for real chucks, I just got a brand new iPhone 7+ for thirty bucks, I have the most comfortable bed on the whole planet..... I literally can't think of one negative thing, emotion, or person in my life..... so why does this bullshit feel the need to continue to plague me...... but maybe it's not because maybe I really am having a heart attack.
Or maybe people as a whole can start taking mental illness a lot more seriously then it is and try to find a way to cure this debilitating illness besides a prescription for drugs that do make it worse over time.
Or make some Homemade EKGs that print out either a "you're fine" or "call 911"
Or both.
