Hello everyone, how are you doing today? Hopefully, you’re all doing alright. Yesterday, when I opened my photo gallery I was finding my father’s picture with me there. I was silent for a moment, staring at that picture and I started to shed my tears. Maybe I am a kind of crybaby person especially those related to my father. I still remember how he called me because he had a nickname for me. My father has passed away. It has been 3 years since he left me. My life is not the same anymore. My days have changed since he was not here with me. I still got his face on my mind, his smile, his laugh, even his voice still stuck in my head.
I was kind a sweetheart daughter to him. I have a brother and I can say that my father loved me more than my brother. Since I was a kid, I was so close to him. Sometimes, when my father had to work I came with him. I was like daddy’s little girl even I had already grown up. He spoiled me and took care of me since I was a little girl.
Unfortunately, my childhood was not so good to remember. I mean I was so grateful that I had parents who taking care for me. Both of them loved me and my brother. But, on the other side my parents often had some fights or conflicts each other. They used to argue some things, common problems that so many young couple was facing. My father married with my mother since they were young, it was about 20 and 21 years old. Well, it was all about family finance that was why my father and my mother they both worked and looked for money to provide our needs. But, I thought it looked not enough for our family. I did not really understand their problems at that time but I knew it was about money.
Sometimes, I heard they were arguing something. They were fighting again. Even when I was sleeping at night, I was awake, I could hear their loud voices and sometimes dirty words came out. I could not sleep anymore because my parents were shouting each other. What a mess. If I am not wrong, it all started when I was 6 or 7 years old. I was crying when they both fought. I was scared to hear their shouts, their loud voices and did pointing finger and blaming each other. It was very horrible situation for a 7 years old kid. Sometimes, my brother and I used to sit down in the corner of bedroom and cry. My brother did not cry, but I did. When I got older, I said “please stop” to them but guess, it did not stop yet, it was even getting worse. Things were broken, my father throwing plates or glasses or whatever any stuffs around because he got furious. I guess my father could not stand with my mother. My father thought maybe my mother used to talk too much to him and blame him about everything. I think he was not patient enough to handle my mother so it brought him into furious. I think it could be my father’s attitude is not good enough for my mother.
I had an experience when my parents were fighting or arguing, my mother was almost passed out or she just laid down on the bed weakly. At that day, it was the day when I had to go to retreat schedule at school and because of this, I did not go to school and the retreat. Retreat means a school program for spiritual and coincidentally my school is a Catholic School. I remembered the day after that incident, at school, my teacher asked me why I did not join the retreat because it was so important day. I answered that I had a family event. My mother told me so. I just obeyed whatever she told me.
We had a moment, we used to have our own business in culinary. My parents had a milk and toast stall to support the family finance. For a moment, they were truly cohesive. During the day, they worked outside and at night they opened the stall until 10 or 11 pm. At least, I could be happy to see them like that. But it was not last long.
In another quarrel at night, I remember my father went away and brought me with him some place by motorcycle. I was confused why he took me with him. I guess he could not stand with the fight and he brought me to restaurant and had dinner. When I saw him, he was eating “soto”, I was thinking for awhile. My father was avoiding the arguments with my mother so that he escaped from home for awhile to calm his mind. I did not really understand their complicated problems between two of them. But, I knew that they actually loved each other. It was just their young ages which could not face the problems maturely. They both were selfish and no one wanted to give in.
If I could say that I had a trauma, yes I got traumatized. I wish I had a happy family and full of harmony. Instead, it was not easy to forget. I was so scared. I was so panic and nobody could help me. This situation kept going on until I was in senior high school. We moved house near my uncle’s house. They still used to fight and arguing even worse. I heard another problem besides finance. It was bigger than that. It made my father looked sad for weeks. I could see it. Sometimes, I used to call my uncle by phone to come to my house when they were fighting. I did not know what to do and that was all I could do. I could not stop them like my presence even was not there. They had so much fun fight I guess. I was crying all alone, I was so desperate, I asked God why was this happening to me? God, help us…
Until then, my parents committed to separate and divorce. I did not know if it was a right decision or not. I could not say anything. I was just a daughter and I just hoped the best for them. Deep inside me, I was truly hoping that they could come back together as a family. In fact, sadly it was the ending. My father went back to Surabaya city and my mother was still with me in Malang with my brother too. My father was alone in Surabaya and he stayed near his sisters there.
After several years, I heard that my father got married with someone else in his hometown. It was sad news to me. I was quite shock and it was painful for me as a daughter. I felt like being betrayed. My father got married but my mother did not even she never thought about it. My heart hurt.
This is picture my father and my mother attending my wedding day
Actually, I never thought that I could share this to you about my family. It could be kind a shame. However, I still had to because everything happened to me was a valueable learning to make us strong in the future. I believe it! In every tears there is a hope.
Wait for the next part! To be continued...
