Wow, thank you - I do try to comes across as respectful, not critical! Constructive. Helpful.
Let me repeat: you're doing great! The story is flowing. The exposition is well written and easy for the reader to follow. Most fantasy novels are so laden with made-up names, it wears me out trying to keep track of them.
I didn't see the dragon scene as childish.
Punctuation can be very annoying and distracting, especially in monologues, with multiple paragraphs, and some authors handle this by not putting quote marks around dialogue AT ALL - Kent Haruf in "Plainsong", for one.

Duly note: Haruf writes that the guy "was standing" - something workshoppers will clobber you for! - yet this book made the best seller list and a movie based on the novel.

I'm not suggesting that we should ditch "quote marks" the way Haruf did. His unorthodox punctuation has its pros and its cons.

Too many internal editors overseeing your work could be crippling. I really hope y our "Muse" keeps narrating and you keep spinning this tale without tripping over grammar and syntax. Says the woman who never takes her own advice: keep writing! Keep the flow going! Later, come back to trim and tighten....