ohhhh yes you are living, even if "slowly like in a thickness" -
what a beautiful rendering of the regrets a mother knows on losing her child.
You know you did your best and I truly believe nobody could have done better.
I remember the peanut butter sandwich story, and the love layered in there.
You are amazing and gifted, and if there is an upside to your loss, it is the way you articulate it for the rest of us. Thank you for doing this. As my mom puts it, I hope (and trust) you will keep on keeping on.