I am a shit mom
I yell at my kids
The floors are sticky
The toilets are dirty
And we are practically out of food.
I move into guilt, try to force myself to be thankful, think of people in other places who wished they still had old apples, small bags of chips, and some sour cream around. I have noodles, I have boxes of mac and cheese, I have actual cheese, I could probably bake cookies if I found a butterless recipe
But I am shit.
My bills are due
My water is not paid
My student loans are reporting to the creditors
I am fucking up my grandma's credit.
I should ask someone for help, my child support is $26,000 behind, I am unemployed, I want to be a stay at home mom who doesn't worry about bills every day, I wish my hair would stop falling out
I am shit
My car's dashboard is like a Christmas tree
The gas tank is almost on empty
I am pretty sure I need new tires
I am pretty sure my tags are due
*What the heck is wrong with me, who doesn't even know that their tags are late, I wiped down my black car yesterday and could feel the dirt scratching the paint. I wish I could quit and go on vacation.
I am a mom who smokes weed and there is a layer of "what's going on" and "figuring out what is ok and what is not ok."
is weed any different than our coffee and sugar addictions? Shouldn't I be striving not to be addicted to those as well?
I really felt like that about myself this morning, in fact I still do. As a positive person, I usually write stuff like this down on paper, and then let myself tear it up and throw it in the wind. I force myself to do better and I find solutions, because shit, you CAN NOT take a break from being a mom ... or apparently, paying bills. I keep on the positive side of things and expect miracles to happen. They usually do, but sometimes, there is no way around it. I am a shit mom, who smokes pot and my kids deserve better.
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