This post isn't for you - or you either. You can be dismissed. What we are talking about is a matter of pure self indulgence. I'm one of those people who has a dozen different things going on in their head. Maybe we're all like that, in which case you can come back and indulge with me. Do you know what I love? I love asynchronous commication. The what, you say? Texts are my friends. Emails are my besties. Posts, well that's better than chess by mail.
I am told I am a slow processor, say at the level of a Motorolla 68000. That's not so bad, I guess. Add a Denise chip and I'd be an Amiga. What I lack in speed and general marketability I make up for in style and a devoted but kind of crazy user base. My problem is that I can be cruising along just fine at a safe and respectable speed until you ask me a question and I freeze up like a dirt bike that's just been abruptly back peddled, complete with the wipe out and skinned knees.
Listen. I don't like real time communication. There are so many reasons. For starters, there are times when stopping the spinning gears in my second rate clock work head almost feels physically painful. Everything comes to a halt and, like Tic Toc, it takes some effort to rewind my thought works. Not to mention that the whole process is just plain exhausting and I might need some alone time to recover from basic in person conversation.
A related phenomena is my total ignorance of how to enter a conversation and, more importantly, how to exit one. Why should I start on something when I have no idea how long I will be able to sustain it? Maybe something will come up. It usually does. I'm sure you'll understand that I can't stay, but I won't be fine with it. How do I recover where we left off? Time moves on. Even if the conversation resumes, it won't be the same as before. Something will be left half done and the tension, frankly, will kill me.
But do you know what the hardest part is? I don't trust you. Sorry. It's nothing personal. But aren't you suspicious that whenever someone asks you how you are, it's either small talk or a sand trap? I mean, if it isn't small talk then that person noticed something was wrong, which means they probably also have already formed some opinions about what is wrong with you and how to fix it. The question is just an opening move to pawn knight four, intended to size you up before going in for the kill.
After all, anyone who knows you well enough to ask you how you are in all seriousness has probably formed some pretty solidified opinions about you. Those aren't going to be changed depending on your response to their questions. Ask yourself: when has as an honest answer to such a query ever really provided the asker with new information? Such information may be available, but it gets thrown back in the water since that isn't what they were fishing for.
All of this a bit hyperbolic, I know, but hopefully it gets the point across. The written word mediated by this interweb is the best thing to happen to the slow processing introvert. Keep in mind that I am not out to control public opinion of myself, in so far as such opinion even exists. If I was, I would be less honest. At least I don't think that is what I am after. I really try to listen to everyone, and that is the final reason for my turtle's pace that many don't see: rather than respond selectively and half assed, I do want to give every word its due. I just need time to sort them and figure out what they truly are intended to mean. I would think that benefits everyone.
What does this mean to you? I don't know, you're the one reading this post. All I can say is that I wanted to write it. That is, after all, what I do.
