I was talking to someone who shall remain nameless, partly because I don't know his name, but also because it might be better that way. He questioned why I would want to interact with people considering how much I've been lied to and hurt in the past.
It's a valid question, true. Really, why do I allow myself to be vulnerable time and time again...and so soon?
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When I answered his question initially, I was multitasking and not giving the conversation my full attention, so today I have decided to give the question the attention it deserves in this post. It's a really important question that I feel shouldn't be glossed over.
I've been subjected to all sorts of intense situations -- especially lately. Recently, my own mother said she doesn't care if I talk to her or not and admitted that she lied to me about being sick so she could manipulate me. Right before this latest incident with my mom (yes, that was just one incident of many), someone I felt very close to in a romantic sense lied to me, led me on until the lie got exposed and completely violated my trust. How's that for hurtful?
Shouldn't those things make me want to live in a cave and isolate myself from society? Shouldn't I go cry for the rest of my life...or at least for a few years? Shouldn't I blame and resent both of those people for disrespecting me and for not loving me the way I love them or in a way that any respectable person deserves to be loved?
The answer to all those questions is no.
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You see, I refuse to feel hurt. Them not loving me the way I want them to doesn't matter -- even in the case of my mom. Maybe in some twisted way they both do love me. Maybe they are both loving me the only dysfunctional way they know how. You can't ask something of someone that they are unable to provide.
That doesn't mean I should stand around putting up with any dysfunction, though. Life goes on -- and it's short. If I want to feel good, I have to make myself feel good; that is never the responsibility of anyone else. I am happy being alone and spending time with others, and I am not going to let a couple of undesirable incidents ruin my interactions with others. If I do, I might miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime, and the worst part would be that I would never know it.
My head is in a good place for once and I know that alone attracts the right people into my life moving forward. I'm not being vulnerable, I'm just being present. I trust that being who I am and what I am are enough to make me happy. Why be broken when I can be happy?
