Being an immigrant has always been a key ingredient for me when making life choices, especially career wise. I've never let myself think about the perfect job I could have because, in the back of my mind, I will never be able to reach it. I was raised to think that living abroad meant forgetting you're a human at times and allowing people to take advantage of you in order to succeed in life. I'm sad to say it took me a decade, a pandemic and an almost two year quarantine to realize my needs matter. I matter.
I decided to take these past three days off work. It started with a day long panic attack and ended up with me reflecting on what's making me unhappy, unsatisfied and an overall killjoy to my own thoughts.
Ever since the pandemic started, I've had the option to work from home. Given I'm a single mom and looking at all the people that lost their jobs over the past 3 years, it made me appreciate the company I work for tremendously. I'm grateful for keeping my job through all the ups and downs lately. However, as an immigrant, I've been told to give back when I receive. And that's what I've been doing since Covid - giving it all and more. I've been working early mornings, staying up till past midnight to ensure my work has been completed, taking on more responsibilities when I could barely handle my own, skipping lunches so I can finish that one task, completely ignoring my needs for weeks so I can perform at work. And where did that get me? Rock bottom, that's where. And the interesting part about all this is that I'm not the first person this has happened to - we had 3 people go on burnout leave in the span of 6 months.
I had a session with my therapist yesterday where we discussed exactly that. We didn't even touch the surface of the iceberg but oh my, did I cry. Just to give you a better idea - the emotions I've felt this week have been building up for years. People around me have been warning me about burnout and I kept brushing it off. "Work is more important!" I kept telling myself. And I firmly believed it until my last panic attack. My whole mindset shifted after I spent the whole Tuesday crying and trying to calm myself down. What helped me relax was research. I dove into all the articles my therapist sent me and took some notes for my HR meeting tomorrow (wish me luck for that!). What I've come up with is I've been in this burnout position for a couple of years now without noticing. The signs were there but my brain chose to ignore them so I kept pushing myself past my limits. So, for anybody working right now and feeling oddly unsatisfied, here are some symptoms you should be looking out for.
Source: Stylist
Lack of excitement - granted, some jobs are not too exciting to begin with but if you don't feel any positive emotions anymore when you think about what you do, this could definitely be burnout. I know I used to go into the office smiling and being excited about what the day will bring, which dog I will get to hang out with or even just the fact that I'll get to sip on my morning coffee with my amazing colleagues. Now, the second I leave my apartment, all I can feel is anxiety and all I can think of is what's gonna go wrong today...It's a really unpleasant feeling.
Lack of motivation - this is another crucial sign you might be close to a burnout. I know for myself, this usually comes and goes. But lately, it's been hard to find a reason to continue putting in the effort when it seems like nothing ever changes. On top of that, whenever I have those conversations with HR about what I bring to the table, I find it extremely difficult to explain what I've done for the company. Simply because I don't think my work matters. At least, it doesn't seem to.
Constant mental and physical exhaustion - I cannot even begin to express how weak and worn out I've been feeling ever since the virus hit us. It's been a constant struggle and one I don't see a way out of at the moment. I've told my therapist that I've been feeling like the world is a bus that has been moving extremely fast and I'm just there, out of breath, running behind it, trying to get on. I rarely have a day to relax, especially at work. It's always been additional work, extra projects, deadlines, new employees, out of the office activities etc.
Total neglect of your needs - I believe that was the first sign that I disregarded. I gradually stopped taking my lunches, I prioritized work over spending time with my daughter (which I justified in my head as a way to secure a better future for her), I was sleep deprived etc. This is still the case. Just on Monday, I stayed until midnight to make sure that if I took the Tuesday off, nobody would have to take on additional work because of me. And as much as this is me being a team player in my head, it is also me allowing myself to suffer for a 9-5 position.
Sense of failure and self-doubt - this hits close to home. I've never been someone who truly believed in themselves or their abilities. But somehow, it's become a mission impossible lately. I don't get recognition for the work I do - a lot of us don't, it's like there are a few special people who get kudos on a weekly basis (sometimes daily); feedback has been great from my manager but she was my friend first so not sure if I fully believe it; my director has also told me overall good things she has noticed about me but she has also given me some reasons to doubt my work over the past few months.
These are just some signs to look out for when it comes to burnout. There's a lot more this syndrome entails however these are the few that I've had to deal with personally which is why I elaborated more on them. Burnout can look different for each one of us. Please take care of yourselves and if you find yourself experiencing any of these, seek help. Don't prioritize work over anything, especially your health and well-being. Set boundaries and don't be afraid to put yourself first, in any situation!
Thank you for stopping by. I hope my next post will be a lot lighter and entertaining.
Take care and have a wonderful Friday! ❤️
