I was corrupted at the hands of a trusted male family member. After the truth had come to light, he denied it, and the rest of my family turned away from me.
Fui corrompida por un hombre de confianza de mi familia. Tras revelarse la verdad, él la negó, y el resto de mi familia me dio la espalda.
I never had the chance of a normal childhood. Some of my first most intimate moments had been with this man. My mother stopped seeing me for several years. My perspective on love had been completely distorted, which caused me to accept many things I never deserved.
Nunca tuve la oportunidad de tener una infancia normal. Algunos de mis primeros momentos más íntimos fueron con este hombre. Mi madre dejó de verme durante varios años. Mi perspectiva del amor estaba completamente distorsionada, lo que me llevó a aceptar muchas cosas que nunca merecí.
He died, and suddenly I was lost entirely. I did not know what to do with the fire that consumed my whole being. The worst part was, not once had he ever been remorseful; he had never tried to atone for his sins. I felt as though I would burn forever, until it killed ME...
Murió, y de repente me sentí completamente perdida. No sabía qué hacer con el fuego que consumía todo mi ser. Lo peor era que nunca se había arrepentido; nunca había intentado expiar sus pecados. Sentí que ardería para siempre, hasta que me matara...
I didn't know what to do. I felt like forgiving him was letting him "get away with it." It felt weak. It felt like giving him something to hang over me, despite the fact that he was no longer alive. I tried to believe that the fire was what made me who I was; that if it extinguished, I wouldn't be the same anymore. I thought it was the fire that was responsible for my fiesty spirit, for the courage to stand up for my boundaries. I didn't want to believe that it was further causing me harm...
No sabía qué hacer. Sentía que perdonarlo era dejar que se saliera con la suya. Me sentía débil. Era como darle algo que me atormentara, a pesar de que ya no estaba vivo. Intenté creer que el fuego era lo que me hacía ser quien era; que si se extinguía, ya no sería la misma. Pensaba que era el fuego el responsable de mi espíritu aguerrido, del coraje para defender mis límites. No quería creer que me estuviera haciendo más daño...
I began to think of Pope John Paul II, how he was able to courageously forgive the man who attempted to kill him, and they even went on to have a conversation together. I thought of the saint for whom I celebrated my Confirmation, St. Maria Goretti, a girl who had the strength to forgive the man who attacked and killed her.
Empecé a pensar en el Papa Juan Pablo II, en cómo fue capaz de perdonar con valentía al hombre que intentó matarlo, e incluso llegaron a conversar. Pensé en la santa por la que celebré mi Confirmación, Santa María Goretti, una joven que tuvo la fuerza de perdonar al hombre que la atacó y la mató.
It is a very bittersweet release. I forgive what has taken place, but I can never excuse or forget that it happened, nor the intention. My attacker did not make a mistake; he made a conscience choice to do something wrong, over and over again. That fact DOES make it harder...
Es una liberación muy agridulce. Perdono lo ocurrido, pero jamás podré excusar ni olvidar que ocurrió, ni su intención. Mi agresor no cometió un error; tomó la decisión consciente de hacer algo malo, una y otra vez. Ese hecho lo hace aún más difícil...
So, I finally decided to let it go. I acknowledged that my happiness was more important than revenge.
Así que finalmente decidí dejarlo ir. Reconocí que mi felicidad era más importante que la venganza.
