It has been a few months now of people calling me "inspirational" and "a motivation". I am yet to relate to those labels at all, but am very grateful that people view me as such. The TwitterGetsFitter movement allowed me the honour of helping people along their fitness journey, and let me be a small part of their lives. Most members of the group know me as upbeat, funny, cheerful, and always positive.
Ah, but the truth is a different story.
Every day, every single day, I battle my personal herd of demons to be the person that they need me to be. Depression has had me in its clutches for years now. Every few months, it loosens its grip just enough to give me hope. But even then, its claws dig firmly into my being, reminding me that I am at its mercy.
I record videos alone. This allows me to morph into the person I need to be, and only then do I turn the camera on. Because you mustn't see the crippling anxiety that you would notice in person. When I get tongue-tied meeting new people, or break into a cold sweat just thinking about being in a room with a group I don't know.
Any time I ask a question in an e-mail, but get no responses, I ache. "Do they not like me anymore?", I wonder. "Am I no longer relevant?"
But then you post your wall-sit times, and your post-workout selfies, and my heart soars.
You hear me say there's more to you than your body. The truth is, that chant is as much for me as it is for you. Years of battling body image issues has left me with dented armour.
You hear me tell you not to give up. Truth is, I have been on the verge of giving up multiple times. So many that I've lost count. And I know how dangerous that can be. That's why I won't let you do it.
TwitterGetsFitter isn't just some movement I started, or an attempt to get famous, or anything of that sort. TwitterGetsFitter has given me a reason to wake up in the morning, and a purpose to my day.
You call me inspirational. You say I'm a motivation. But my tribe -- they are my motivation.
They make me stronger.
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