Anyone who’s ever known, spoke, or interacted with another human being knows that they can be…well…a bit difficult at times. It’s one of the reasons I sympathize so much with retail workers, wait staff, and pretty much any other position that has to deal with customers directly.
I myself, waited tables and tended bar for almost a decade, and the stories I can tell would make your head explode. Unless the story is about people like you in which case, go eat a bag of spicy dicks. But today I’m going to cover a bit of the folks I have to deal with in my comic & toy shop, Conquest Comics.
We are coming up on having the shop for 14 years pretty soon, and along the way we’ve met some…let’s just say…interesting folks who are clueless, classless, and all around just plain ol’ difficult. I want to preface this tongue in cheek look at some of the more fucknugget clientele by saying that I love my customers. Unless you are one of these bags of shit who pull these stunts…
- Speaking of shit…please don’t come into my store for the first time ever and pretend to be interested in random product, only to minutes later ask me for the shitter. I don’t want you to empty your butt in my tiny bathroom while half the time leaving it in a more dire situation than you found it in. Can’t tell you how many times I see the pure panic in their faces and break, just to be disappointed with them leaving me clogged, full of floaters, or even worse to deal with…
@blewitt/comedy-open-mic-round-41--the-legend-of-shittyfingers-seqyehnk
- It seems each and every week I have a few new scrotums, inch their way up to the counter to ask for a discount on something. Usually it’s an insulting amount expected and I just politely smile and say “No Deal”. It’s funny watching complete strangers get irritated, angry, and defensive as they try to explain why I should give them…the person I met just 6 minutes earlier…a 84% discount on the hot Back Issue that week.
- SPOLIER ALERT!!!! Don’t be an inconsiderate cuck and blurt out major plot points to the newest movie, show, or comic. I can’t believe I have to even say this, but the amount of times I have to cut someone off because they can’t keep a fuckin secret is mind blowing. Just because you decided to set your alarm and watch Hawkeye at 4 am like a psycho, doesn’t mean that I, and the rest of my customers caught it before work. I’m going to watch it like a normal person later….probably in costume…like a normal person…right?!?
- Look…I like Spider-Man, and video games, and just being a nerd. Therefore, I find farts naturally funny. It just comes with the territory. I however, do not love it when “parental disappointment #9 of the day” just starts beef clouding up my shop. It’s inconsiderate, and kinda gross when I’m ringing people up at the counter and they just…let ass fumes just rip. If it didn’t happen so often I’d be reading this and thinking “Who does that?!?!”
- Also, Don’t be a weird mute fuck. When I greet you as you putter in the door, please don’t look at me and ignore the greeting. You heard me. We made eye contact. Just say hi back like normal people do. I’m asking to be acknowledged back with a simple smile, nod, or wave. I’m not trying to rape you.
- This one I kinda feel a bit bad about because those that fall in this section are usually nice folks who are just excited to talk…but guys and gals…sometime just shut yer trap!!! I’m trying to work and Billy keeps following me around the shop to discuss literally everything and anything. Read the room! I get it, you have 12 loose action figures on a shelf at home that you can’t wait to show me. Super cool…but I have to price up 323 toys today…
- If I had a Satoshi every time some random butthole came up to myself or my business partner as they mumble out “the other guy told me…”. It’s what follows, that can be an adventure that usually involves us giving some glorious deal on something that I 100% know my partner didn’t say. Once in a while it’s a shithead trying to sell some beat up nonsense and they try to say we committed to a number when he was in last time. It’s just…a waste of time. Stop and go finish yer beer on the way home, Champ.
- Don’t act like it kills ya to be at the shop. By this, I’m going to come off a bit of a nerdy elitist, and I’m ok with that because I can be at a place that I’m not familiar with and still act like a civilized human. Look, I know this world isn’t for everyone. Superheroes, fantasy, horror, sci-fi, toys, games, comics, anime…we encompass a lot of stuff that some would consider outside the box.
But when I get a family member or friend of someone who is in the shop that is simply miserable at the idea of breathing the air from a comic shop, it’s a complete bummer. We’ve had girlfriends pout and sit silently with arms folded on our stools. Or unfamiliar walkins from the other shops in the plaza insult us with lines like “people really buy this stuff?!?” as they gawk at prices in their designer jeans. It’s just disappointing that it happens as often as it does.
Man…rereading this back, it absolutely makes me sound like a curmudgeon. I guess I am to a degree. Pardon me, some dipshits are walking on my lawn…
Blewitt