I have had a REALLY rough year. I won't get into why, or spill the story out in the open. But it's been a bit much. Sometimes people plague me with their inner tyranny, their need to be "better than," and their zombie like qualities. But today I have something kind to say about human nature, even in a world gone mad, and in the midst of my growing cynacism.
Today I sent out an honest, emotional letter to my mailing list. It was one that I didn't want to send because it was me admitting to failure. I put it all out there. I hovered over the send button for 5 minutes, my inner editor in my head saying "don't do it man!" but my heart won the battle. Sometimes it takes more strength to be honest and vulnerable than it does to protect, pretend, cover up, and suppress emotions. I pushed send.
I've hit a wall emotionally and financially, and I've been spinning my wheels in the mud trying to search for truth. I've made a hundred documentary shorts, one full length movie, several music videos, and two full length albums. I threw a lot of darts at the board but they didn't stick. I've been doing full time activism, while ignoring my basic needs in life. I was about a week away from being without a home, without seemingly any new way to make money, and no energy to start yet ANOTHER project.
I've been fighting on the front lines of free speech, exploring esoteric and unorthodox history, researching alternative healing, making orgonite, and pushing back against the rollout of the toxic "smart grid" and "fracking." I've been trying to help however I can out there while struggling in HERE. I forgot to take care of myself. My money, health, energy, resources, all severely depleted.
Meanwhile, I deleted my YouTube channel today, because they have been ghost banning, censoring, throttling my view counts, and they removed me from the suggested videos algorithm on YouTube. The PC gremlins have been actively working against me and MANY others that want to explore unpopular speech and wrong think. I just feel like I've been hitting my head against a brick wall for about 6 years now. I learned a TON, but I've got to write a new chapter to avoid a predictable ending.
Ironically, I got involved in the search for truth accidentally. I was writing a book and my protagonist was a conspiracy theorist. I had to research and catch up on the latest material floating out in cyber space in order to be authentic. But I wasn't prepared to find so much compelling evidence, so many rabbit holes to go down! I got derailed from my book and saturated in the research because I was intrigued and compelled. Truth can be quite magnetic, even when it's dark and murky. Interesting how imagination and creativity can lead to a search for truth.
I've become a better human being; I gained morality, I work harder, I understand some of the mysteries that used to vex me. I'm far from perfect, but I'm proud of who I have become. I just forgot to take care of the pragmatic aspects of life and I got totally out of balance. I sent out a note letting my mailing list in on the struggle, letting them know I feel giving up after 6 years of making videos, content, music, documentaries, writing articles. But not just those things; I let them know I was at rock bottom on a personal level.
I didn't send out a highly edited email, but an emotional plea. My friends and past customers and music supporters FLOODED me with letters of support, encouragement, kindness and donations. It made me realize, in a time of emotional and financial crisis, how fucking KIND people can STILL be in this crazy world. I'm writing this in tears and I don't give a shit how that sounds or what folks might think of me.
It wasn't JUST the money either, but the job offers, the open ended invitations, the offers to buy groceries, food, to go see a movie, to hang out, to come stay with them for a while, to live with them; it was overwhelming. I didn't think anyone was listening anymore. I've been isolating and pulling back so much, I just figured my email would be largely overlooked. But it wasn't. It wasn't at all. I felt part of a community for the first time in years over the last few days. I really didn't expect all the support and it was pretty amazing.
I'm 6'8" 250 pounds, and a big teddy bear essentially. Past my anger, past my hurt, past my frustrations, I care. But I'm also known for being protective, inward, aloof, distant, and stubborn. You can't blame me as crazy as the world is out there. I've been avoiding the cities and avoiding people for the last year or two.
I felt like giving up today, not just with social media, but with life, with music, with hope. I've been in the throws of such a deep depression, I haven't seen a way out for years to be honest. Writing songs and having a beer with friends were the only things keeping me from jumping off a proverbial (if not real) cliff.
But after the MASSIVE display of affection from people I haven't heard from in years, as well as those I've never even met in person, I have to say, I have a restored hope for the human race. It totally changed my perspective. Sure, Mordor is at our door, and the gates are busted open, orcs spilling out into the night. But today someone cast a magic spell of healing, and sent an army of heavily armored friends to fight with me at the turn of the tide. OK, I'm a dork. And this is all metaphorical, I believe in peace not war. But the way of the PEACEFUL warrior can be just as daunting these days.
I just wanted to write this note to thank the empathetic people of the world. Please, stay that way. I want to thank the people that have the courage to stand up and speak the truth. I appreciate people who have an open mind, that care, that always try to do what's right in the face of unspeakable odds. Those of you who rallied to give support to a fallen brother, thank you. You kinda saved my life.
Right now, all I keep hearing is "Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sugar Bear..." by Elton John. One of the most beautiful songs ever written, some of the best harmonies ever recorded, and a heart jerking, emotion filled, killer ballad. It seems so appropriate in the midst of these tears. But this time, tears of joy. I don't remember the last time I felt that particular emotion. It feels good.
Here's to the rebels, the renegades, the artists, the empaths, the kind hearted, the passionate, the truth seekers. The Indigo Children, the dreamers! Let's break open the good stuff, the single malt Scotch we've been saving for a special occasion. Fuck it, let's have a moment together, here in this British pub of my technicolor, imagination. Thank you my friends. You helped me more than you could ever know. Raise your glasses one time with me... Cheers!!! Sending love and paying it forward. I'll try to turn this gift into something magical. I promise.
Much love and deep respect,
G
