"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
The chairs wait, for those who will read on them...
Hello there, full-time weekernders!
It seems silly how things that are very small and even considered unimportant could make someone afraid. Sit up comfortably and let me guide you through this 101 of that this guy fears a lot!
I'm lucy enough to be put in the situation that makes stirs fear in my body most of the time. You could call it performance anxiety. It's the so called stage fright. It doesn't matter how well-prepared I am for the occasion. Intrusive thoughts will come swindling around my way and while the time draws near, my feet will get cold, my mouth will run dry and confidence drops low.
It has happened too many times already. What's the funniest part of the deal? I never back down from the things I have to do in public. Yesterday, I had to read some poems written by Jose Antonio Ramos Sucre during the celebration of this birthday. We gathered at this house, which I have shown before. It seems odd that 130 years after his birth we keep coming back. The place is haunting in a very magical way. It is the place for poets and writers to go and shared among peers. However, this magic doesn't help one bit to easy my fears about going and face the public and do something. The worst part is that I had to read twice since someone from the public asked for another poem and I happened to find it in the book.
It's hilarious!
But the problem isn't the activity itself. I said before I'm able to perform and do my thing. The thing is how bad the thoughts get. Anxiety and overthinking are two things that go hand in hand and they are a bad combo. And as it isn't the performance what frightens me, it's the time waiting.
Waiting is dreadful!
There's no simple way I can take waiting as something good. My patience pales in comparison to time. All notions of self-worth and self-esteem are lost. Like they never existed, I become less that myself and the towering figure of waiting time eclipses everything that surrounds me. Reduced to a spec of almost life, I have no other choice but to wait the spell to break. When I'm called to perform, it's like learning to be myself over again. You'll see me shake. My voice will break. But little by little, all these problems fade away. By the end of the performance, I'm back. The guy who jokes on videos and makes these weird posts. The applause is like the second coming back to life.
The towering figure crumbles to the vibrations. Nothing else to be afraid. Except, it reassembles back when waiting comes around again. The whole scene repeats itself. It's the cycle of my life. And there seems to be no way around it. Like a mechanism to remind myself we are all susceptible to something that freezes us in place.
But being afraid is being alive. The trick is not letting these petty fears control your life. Even if I have to go through all these instances of rebirth, I won't stop performing in public. No matter how long I need to way, the tower will crumble in the end. And I'll be there receiving a round applause.
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