There are those days that I feel like everything comes together and I just want to quit it all. Huddle up in my flat, turn on the computer and play games or watch a movie, lull my mind with beer and fast food, and just ignore reality. And sometimes it’s a necessity. To wind down, to take a break of life in all its hyper-velocity, the caffeine powered rapidly changing focus, hacking through it all in a tact that makes every Ryzen envious. Those times aren’t sustainable.
Neither are breaks.
They’re tricky. Sneaky. They make you feel oh-so-good for the moment, give you that dopamine rush – or serotonin, if you sleep, which is actually healthier. But we’re talking about those destructive breaks. Those that give you that kick, but not in an exhausting way like demanding work does. And that’s the danger.
It creeps in.
Whatever we do, we’re more likely to repeat it. Good and bad. Whatever habit we catch, the next time it’s easier. Once you did it, you’re more likely to do it again. Your brain remembers where the little icon of that game was. It reminds you to buy more chips. More beer. And what was once a month becomes once a week.
The genius of a hole.
No matter how long you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant.
Max Payne
There is a constant struggle in us between good and bad. The good habits have to be cultivated and nursed. The bad habits? No need for that. They grow like weeds. A good habit can be erased rather quickly, while it takes a lot of effort to get away from a bad habit. And that’s why I respect people who have been through bad habits and made their way out of it a lot more than the average person.
They know things.
Which I haven’t even seen. I know cravings, I know destructiveness, but compared to some of my friends? I know nothing. Through them, yes. Through gaining perspective, empathizing, but not through true experience. I’ve been in dark spaces, but never that dark. I never had to put up that kind of strength.
Control.
(Great movie, by the way. About Ian Curtis, Joy Division.) Today was one of those days. I did get up early, did go to the gym, did go to the market to sell, but I didn’t feel like it. I was tired. So I packed up early and left. Came home, and just wanted to “try” if the game I had downloaded worked. 3h later, I took a deep breath and forced myself to turn it off. Went into my bedroom, meditated. Took a power nap as a result of meditation. And woke up thinking that I need to become better at controlling myself.
Not all the time.
Yes, it’s good to be able to let go and just immerse yourself into the void of apathy and unproductiveness, even a little destructiveness. But it’s way too easy to stay there. At least for me. So, I wrote this text as a reminder for myself. I probably wrote it before. I’ll probably write it again. And as always – it’s easier to hold myself accountable when it’s not only me knowing about it. And now, I'm going to get caffeinated again, take my to-do list, and get back into the futile charade of productiveness.
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