I learned a lesson about addiction a few years back. And since then, I see it everywhere. People need to hit rock bottom in order to get out and change things. And that is not only about substance- or dopamine-related addictions, but also behavior-related.
Comfort is an addiction.
Stepping out of the comfort zone and start working on oneself to improve seems to be just like that, in many ways. I know many people who would benefit greatly from therapy, for example – and they know that. They accept it. They’ve done therapy, and they were amazed by how it helped them. But they took it like Ibuprofen, a quick remedy for an acute problem.
Quick ain’t good.
That’s not only true for sex (except the intentional quickie), but also for improvements on oneself. Just because a wound is cauterized on skin-level doesn’t mean there aren’t any internal bleedings. The “quick fix” is ambiguous that way, and the effect on non-substance-addicts is the same as for drug addicts. It’s temporary. The problem will be back.
Just like the Terminator.
But even the Terminator is not good for a definite fix. How many times did he have to come back? Just because he didn’t get the job done right. And that’s the thing, a lot of times there is no end to it. To therapy, yes, as soon as we have all the tools we need and are finally aware of our issues and how to keep working on them, we won’t need therapy anymore, or at least not as often. But:
It never ends.
Which, if the therapist did their job right, is not a menace, but somewhat exciting. We can improve. We’re not stuck in our behaviors, in our failures, in incoherence with our values. We can become more coherent; we can become better in our own eyes. But we have to take it seriously. We have to put in the quality work in it, not the quick fix. And that takes time and energy.
Bullets and band-aids.
As with many things, in the long run, it’s cheaper to go for quality and pay more. Facing the same issues over and over again because the root of them is never even found, nor examined, is exhausting. And it comes back over and over again. And each time it seems like the problem is solved, though it’s not.
Your progress is not determined on how you feel now, but on how you’re able to manage the next crisis.
On great days, when we feel good, it’s easy to keep our mind together. But when shit hits the fan, that’s when we can see how much we’ve progressed. Be it communication issues, anger issues, whatever issues we have, in the respective crises we get our results.
I’ll do better this time!
Same words as a drug addict. But from a comfort addict. I tried to help many people in different ways, some accepted, some didn't, on some it was even successful. I always stopped when excuses were made, when the consistency was interrupted, when they felt better already, when other things were more important. I learned to accept that. I'm not an almighty savior, no wise guru, not even a psychologist. All I can do is send people there.
In the last year, I came to terms with that. It’s sad as it affects my relationship with those people, as I’m not keen on incoherence (not even my own). They say they want to change, and they could, but decide not to, making up excuses – it’s a loss of trust. I can’t rely on those people as I can on those who own their decisions. I boiled it down to this:
To me, there is nothing more important than me being able to deal with my stuff. If you don’t want to deal with your stuff, that’s okay. But it will affect my relationship with you.
One thing I'm still working: Having patience with people. Not everyone is like me, everyone has their own pace.
