Staring deeply at the wall that kept me from the harshness of the world, I sighed. It's a very big and long sigh. A sting of tears found its cruel way into my eyes, and I couldn't help but push it off.
I wonder how long I can stay enclosed here, just alone, far away from the eyes of men. It'll be nice to just be here forever. The world is harsh, and I would prefer my fragile heart not to be tampered with by any sting of it. But I know that's just an unreasonable dream. As long as I am alive, I know I ought to live life fully. Then again, what's life without pain? The same pain that makes me shudder and hold deeply on my third legs. The same pain that makes my breath hitch and causes damages to the only source of life that's meant to beat.
I can't anymore. I don't want that pain, especially those ones that bring in mockery and emotional war. It is too much to bear, and yes! I am a coward, and I am a proud little coward. I don't care what the world may think of me. I don't care how the one who called me hero looks at me. I just don't care anymore, for I know my pain is nothing to be ashamed of, but I must confess that I am scared of it.
The feeling it always brings when it comes is something that breaks me apart. The rejection, failure, and the fear to move forward. It is too much for a tiny soul to bear. It is like an ant, no matter how strong or mighty you think you are, just a sting from it ruins it all. And, I don't want that feeling of dejection it brings. You know, the feeling of helplessness that crawls on you like a serpent. It irks me, and I know it does the same to you.
We know what it brings. You and I do. You can't deny you haven't felt it because I can see the look in your eyes before you make a decision. The dreadful feeling. The resentment and depression. It never ends. It is a strong battle that repels every sane nerve in your system, urging you to move forward. They weaken it and leave you stone cold, right in the center of the storm, all alone just like how you were born. How distasteful!
And tell me, why should I leave these closed walls I have found myself in? Why should I not wish to be just alone for eternity? Why should I not plead with a shaky breath to be off the goddam map of the world? Is it too much to ask? No pain, no gain. Who the hell came up with that statement?
Fuckit!
I am just stressed and need a long rest. But, the reality is right there. The bills aren't going to pay themselves, so yeah. I am back on the road like a lost soul, and maybe I am not as lost as I thought. Life is a mystery, I hear, and so am I which is why I am going to grind through once again and yes, I may find my way up this moment again or maybe create a more dramatic one, but, I am going to move on twice as hard because yeah, that's life.
A rant from a thoughtless, thoughtful manly soul. Yes, a word from Darren. Darren, who you may ask. Well, I am Darren "mind your business" she's helping me write and probably post it.
Still yours truly,
Balikis.
Thanks for reading.
Peace be unto those who crave it and more to those who chase it away.