When I started writing this, I had more zeal than I currently do. But as I've come to learn over the years, at times it doesn't matter whether or not you have the zeal, you just have to keep going.
The world disgusts me. I don't know if it is just the recent events that are happening all around me at the moment. Or the annoyance I'm currently feeling seeping through my veins. Why do bad things have to happen? Why do we need to feel pain? Why must everything that is so beautiful, so pure, get tainted? Why must things (including life itself) be so hard? Why must people say one thing, and then go ahead and do the opposite? Why must people do the most outlandish things known to man? Why can't things ever be as straightforward as they seem? Why must there be a plot twist? Why does it always seem like I am constantly making mistakes? Why? Why? Why?
It is all so frustrating and draining. Each question there could have had like a 100 different answers from different people with different perspectives, and the majority of them (at least the ones I've heard) do not feel satisfying enough. I know this already, but I probably needed to put some of those questions out there just to let my mind have some rest.
Most of these questions have plagued my head in recent weeks, and I did something I don't usually do, I didn't give an answer. I am someone who likes to know the reason behind things, understand what is really going on. I dislike uncertainty. But this time, I shut down that rational brain and allowed myself to dwell in the uncertainty. To say it was a different experience is an understatement. I didn't enjoy it one bit. But over time, as all humans do, I started to adapt, get used to the uncertainty, and accept that there are some things that no matter how hard I try, I may never get to know the answer to. And as nerve wracking as that may seem, it is going to be okay. Whether I like the outcome or not.
As I lay here writing this, I honestly don't know what this means for me, as it feels like I am losing a small part of me that managed to follow me into adulthood. But the good thing is that life is an exchange, with that trade-off comes just a bit more peace, which I guess is something I need more right now.
Loss is inevitable, but so is gain. I will be fine.
Cover image taken by me
