I wouldn't say I am not a spiritual person. In a way I am but on the other side of the coin, I am the most ground up person you will probably meet. I have a low tolerance for nonsense, excuses and drama. Secretly I even despise the word "problem". I have situations that need my attention and some creative thinking. I have no problems. I like to think I am my own creator. The author of my path and decisions. If I make the wrong one ... then shit. I made the wrong one. I don't like to blame the world for it. I made a decision that at the moment felt right or sometimes I don't make one. That's fine too. My lack of action is action nonetheless.
Yet sometimes life is a bit tricky. 2 years ago my best friend got diagnosed with cancer. This is not a soppy story with a soppy ending. Though I can say it was a hard road to walk on, not only for her but me also it was also very rewarding, if you choose to look at it from the right angle. She came out of it freer. I, on the other hand, seemed to only get a bit harder. It is what she needed. A voice of reason, sanity and that earthy taste. When panic hit, when chemo was hard, when the shit bag was needed to be changed, when there were doubts I was there. Hard and sane. Sympathy is a nice quality but it doesn't get you anywhere. When your brain is like a wasps nest another's buzz might just be overkill.
So I would say a year ago I went with her on this voodoo sort of meeting. I call all her spiritual stuff voodoo. In the most endearing way possible of course. It is her thing. I have no issues with it. She finds purpose in it. I may not ... but that doesn't mean I do not accept it and can't learn from it. Besides it was quite fun.
So there I was. It was my turn... lying on the table. Trying to be relaxed and acceptive to the universe while she moved around me, chanting and waving her hands. The older lady on the table next to me started treading her small snores. The man leading the whole class was repeating some words, but I only remembered one line: allow yourself to be sweet.
You are a sweet woman.
My whole mind rebuked to that single thought and I burst out in short giggles. Yes, THE woman. The Venus. The things I read in books and seen in movies. This sacred animal worshipped since ever. The gentleness, motherhood and care.
One grandmother who was a religious fanatic, the other who had psychiatrical issues, my aunt who gifted me diet books every birthday and my hard mother. 32 girls in my class during high school, 54 of them in my college and now working in a mostly female team again. Safe to say that my grandfathers, my father, uncles, etc. were/are soft men and that I always had issues with "femininity". No this is not a story how I always got along better with men or had mostly male friends. No. I get along with both women and men just fine. But the question of womanhood poped a lot in my head in the last few weeks.
When I was laying on that table I figured I didn't let it go for 100% yet. The frantic, paranoid, stressed out, hormonal, drama creating, a nest of wasps headed WOMAN. I may have sorted it in my head but didn't implement it in my lifestyle yet. Not really.
Goddamit. I allow myself to be sweet, to be paranoid, hysterical, to be dumb sometimes and just be....softer. I will not turn into them if I allow it so.
For everyone that missed me, pinged me - all is fine. :) It was just really hectic at work and whatever time I got spare....well it was well spent off the net. As for the tablet...ordered a new comp. So hopes up that I work everything out this weekend.