Since I was a little lad I have always been different from everyone else, I was never invited to birthdays or parties and I felt like I had no one other than myself and my close family.
My mum would have to warn people that she was bringing me to her friends house and when I was there I was like a hurricane, still to this day I don't think I was doing anything wrong.
I had little friends as I was always getting into trouble, and my schooling was poor as I couldn't sit still for long.
I got bullied to the point where I didn't want to live anymore and this has gone on for most of my life.
I have made a lot of mistakes and I have to live with them, there was times I would hang around with so called friends and that would lead me into trouble with the law.
I would fight with random people, sleep in random places and even do things to impress people that I should never have done.
By 17 I was sectioned under the mental health act, 28 days in a ward where I wasn't aloud to leave because I was a danger to myself.
I have kept myself going only by the fear of death, I don't want to die, even though there has been times when I have tried.
I have 14 stars tattooed on me, I did them myself as a sign for every time I had tried to kill myself, they help me remember that there is no point in trying and to keep going.
I turned to drink, this was to self medicate the feelings that I had about myself, I had no self worth and I didn't care about anything.
I have found out recently that I have had 84 jobs since leaving school and I have only just turned 37.
I have never felt like anyone has ever understood me, and my dad's way of dealing with me was to punish me more and more.
When I found his porn stash in his bedroom and he found out, I could hardly walk for a week and I remember the bruises on my legs from where he had hit me with the slipper.
I make jokes to cover up my anxiety, the more I am nervous the more I joke around, this has caused me trouble as people don't always see the fun side to what I am saying.
I never meant half the stuff that I have ever said but after a few beatings I have now learned to keep quiet around people.
37 years I have been the black sheep of the family, my dad left my mum and mine and my dads relationship went south from there.
He struggled to deal with me and I feel like he never loved me, he has now blocked all contact with me and I feel like he is missing out on mine and his grandkids lives.
This is his loss, there is nothing I can do about it, I have to deal with his choice and live my life.
I had it hard growing up, I had that many fights that I can't remember how many times my eyes have been blacked.
I have never been able to sit and do something for long periods of time or complete the task at hand.
I fell in love with my wife, we had a kid and she dealt with who I was, she has had a hard time with me but has stook around and we have now got 3 kids.
I have been in hospital since and that time I nearly died, the staff there were useless and didn't help me with my situation, and it didn't matter how much I asked for it.
On my birthday last week I went to see a doctor who wanted to listen to me, I took my mum my wife and we went for a long talk about, well me..
After the consultation it was finally decided that I have ADD and ADHD and they wanted to treat me for it, and I agreed.
Monday I started taking some meds that is in fact a controlled drug, and already I have seen a change in me.
My wife says I am slower, I have been able to sit and do things that not normally I am able to do, I am sitting on my laptop now writing this and I haven't strayed away yet.
I have had some side effects, tummy ache, headache, dry mouth and I am unable to sleep well, last night it was about 3 hours that i had but I am thinking that I might be able to get some more sometime during the day.
Back in my day of been a kid ADD and ADHD was unheard of, it was more like that kid is a little bastard and that was how you were treated.
To find out that all my illnesses I have had over the past 25 years of been an adult have been down to ADHD makes me think about what I could have done with my life if I had known sooner.
The doctor says that the treatment is long term, and that I will have to have blood tests every 6 months as it can effect my heart.
Since 17 I have been diagnosed with, anxiety depression panic, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, agoraphobia these are the few that I know off the top of my head.
The doctor said to me that I should see a change in my mood over the next week, we have already noticed already.
He also said that the other things that are wrong with me should subside over time and I should be able to live a normal life.
I am now looking forward to the future and not back, I am posting this as I wanted to be able to read back on this in a year and see how far I have come.
You never know, you might be reading this and it might seem like your reading about yourself and this might help you too.
I hope you are all well.
@artonmysleeve