Hey there!
A friend of mine messaged me one day with a link to a document on Google Drive and asked me to read it and share my thoughts about it. It wasn't superbly written or insanely poetic: it was real. That's all it had going for it. So, I share here today what he wrote. Hope you like it!
What's happening? I don’t get it. Simple as it sounds, ‘expectations’, a simple 12 letter word with varying contrasts and complexities. So where's the simplicity? Is it there? Or does it stay there, dead, like all the lovers’ roses lie inside the thrown away love stories? Dead? Oh yeah. Sure enough. I had expectations and I don’t blame myself for that. I mean who wouldn't? Its love peeps. Everyone expects something or the other. The unconditional love shit is a mere myth. Every person in this world expects something or the other from love. Unconditional love?
‘Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism or complete love. ... It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is generally used to describe love between lovers.’
The google definition of a myth.
Affection without any limitations. This sounds true.
But no conditions? Are you kidding me? Like really? Wow!!
Every love story ever has unconditional love. That's because what we don’t get in reality, we try to find in books. That’s what fiction in all about.
Am I a lover? Sure I am.
Does she know? She sure does.
Does she love me back? Hell yeah.
Problem solved? Nope.
That's where the problem started.
She loves me and I am the most important person in her life.
And According to her, I love her more than she deserves. I always replied in negative until now.
But now that I think of it, maybe I do? Or maybe I am thinking too much? There’s a maybe. There always is. But I bet you took that for a yes, that yes I am thinking too much. But no. Maybe I am not. True one-sided love may be unconditional. Because you just can’t expect something in return. So you can say that I am a one-sided lover and so should not expect. But contradiction arises because she loves me. Yeah she does and she is beautiful and I never get tired telling her this all the time, each time with more enthusiasm.
Let’s skip the situation a bit.
Imagine me writing this. On the dining table with a cup of coffee and a bowl of noodles. My dad shouting from one corner of the room instructing me to go and study and put the damn phone down. It’s already 30 mins past 7. An hour passed since she told me to leave. Leave. Yes.
You don’t know that part of the story. And she doesn’t know my part, nor do you.
Here it goes.
Since the 29th of December, we planned this meeting. It was her sister’s birthday and outside the party hall was, as planned, a table and according to the plan, we’d sit and talk for about an hour until I push off. Sounds romantic? Not too good, but for us, it was a lot. More than enough. Growing up in an industrial city with orthodox middle-class people, I realized that falling in love before you start earning is like masturbating before puberty.
.
So meeting your love here is kind of a difficult job because nearly everyone here knows each other and definitely the parents of us kids. There are chances that they work together. So meeting for an hour is a really big thing for us.
So all dressed up and spraying cologne all over me, and just for the sake of looking good, I wore a thin sweatshirt in the cold. Freezing cold and when you’re on a two-wheeler, I need not say much. I went there and called her up. In my mind, I was thinking, I’ll go there. I’ll smile. She’ll blush. We’d look if somebody is coming. We’d talk. And talk. And talk. And if the atmosphere would have been good, hold hands maybe. I wanted to pull her cheek because she is so cute.
But.
Reality check here.
I went. I called and she asked me to wait until her friends came. That took around 10 mins and more thoughts in my mind. I saw her and time stopped. For eternity.
Then, she prepared to go up. Just to confirm I asked, what about me? And she said, what about you? I was supposed to leave. Now it may seem like a bad gesture but that look on her face was just so normal. I don't believe it. I’m driving now. I barely see the road. All I see is lights blazing. Vehicle lights. This is 1st January today.
Have you ever heard of sayings? They say that the whole year is the exact same as your first day. And here, it’s ruined. I am not crying. But tears are falling. Maybe due to the cold or maybe because expectations broke. And things are now as they are always expected to be. Dark. Wet. Bad. Broken. I plan a good 31st December eve with her since November, and every passing week a new problem arises to the plan. 3 days before the eve, she backs out. Family problems. Welcome to reality. Fiction sucks again. Big shoutout to John Green. Great fiction you write and I expect mine to be like any one of them. Looking for Alaska. In particular.
So that very day she plans this meet. No, I plan this meet. She just says that we should meet on the first day of the year. Sounds soooo grand. And turned out to be soooo gross.
Continuing from where I left. Unconditional. Man. Am I being too expectant? I have expectations just for the sake of having them. It's like having a bike without a key. You can't make a key on your own. That's impractical.
I should have never come to meet her. To see her and her friend’s faces which showed no care? Man, it’s chilling 14 degrees outside. If not for the sake of love then at least for the sake of Indian traditions that are way too overrated though they actually tend to be in reality. You could have let me in. Okay, not let me in, at least talk for a while. This guy right here just traveled 8 kilometers with expectations that you made him have in the freezing cold weather with a thin cloth on in just 10 mins. Imagine the cold at that speed. This guy is shivering but just to look good and not clumsy. He is pinching his neck to control shivering not even realizing that it doesn't help.
And then?
‘Ab kya? Ab jao. :)’
[What now? Now leave. :)]
That smile is inside the quotes because that was her expression.
Man, I love her. Always will. But shit. Over expectation. Over the line love. Not fake but... I don’t know.
I am not done yet but I don’t want to type anymore. I can’t type, actually. Because I just realized that I spent the last one and a half hour writing this up. For no reason. Just wanted to talk and had no one to talk to. She didn't pick up my calls. She was busy with the guests. Can’t blame her. It's only me who disgraces the guests and all the friends with who I am at the moment.
Nothing serious in this write up too, peeps. Its fiction after all. Call it fiction or nonfiction or whatever you like.
Hey there love. If you are reading this. I want to say that I love you. Really very much. Forever and always. ❤️
NG
