Some really major stuff has been happening... I wanna say more, though gotta be careful for a little bit longer.
In some ways I've been immensely stressed, in other ways I feel like I've accomplished so much in the last year or so that I don't need to do anything ever again.
Even though it's getting hot now I still have a few adventures planned over the course of the next few months, however... It's mostly just time to edit the videos and get this all ready to share with the world, and to just rest and spend time with family and go swimming down at the creek.
Last night I was dwelling a lot on what happened to my friend David... It was really difficult to focus on what I was doing or even enjoy my food.
I'm not blaming myself as much anymore, that being said I am reminded that forgiveness is often a continual process... Sometimes you can forgive yourself and the unpleasant thoughts still happen, and so you gotta keep forgiving yourself until it really sinks in.
One thing I try to remind myself is that... After the experience with botulism/food poisoning... There were points during that when I was gasping for air, struggling every day just to survive and breathe and live and... I gotta remind myself of that... You know, that each breath is precious...
As much as part of me just wants to fall back into a depression, another part of me has learned to love myself enough to want to continue being here. And, if each breath is precious... When I was fighting and gasping for each breath... It makes me want to honor that and not sink back into the abyss.
It's fucking hard. One of the hardest things of my life. Crying as I write this... Though, I gotta do my best to keep going and to not just honor myself, but honor everyone else as well to the best of my ability. <3
