Memories

I used Sparks Notes in college.

I’ve alienated most of my friends.

I’ve mostly stopped talking to people.

Unless my lips should remain sealed.

I have never said the right thing.

My joy is always slaughtered 

as quickly as it arrives.

My successes quickly turn to failures.

I cannot manage my ego.

So I abandon it.

I have years worth of goals scribbled in notebooks.

Along with poems they say have no literary value.

I am the outlier.

   So I must embrace the label

     That never fits.

I am the weakness of flesh.

The fall of man without all of the fun

Cages are constructs of the mind.

I am an elucidated hacksaw.

I am not the rust on the bars.

I am the dreams that have died.

Humanity at its worst.

I am gluttony.

Spiritual starvation.

I am a sucker for punishment.

A reverie I write on an order ticket

when I should be working

I am dismay

    decay

       deprivation

           and overindulgence.

My focus has destroyed my clarity.

   Half the man

      held by harlots

As they punish me for my wrongdoings

    for my sins

This is how I repent.

The rush of dopamine to my neurotransmitters

Assures me that I can take the pain.

Without a safe word.

Danger destruction demolition

I am not normal.

I have never been.

In a controlled environment

The torture can take me 

To a new level

To a new life

Why must I crave the worst aspects of humanity?

A physical embodiment of hatred

Cannot kill the love 

   or the laughter.