If you have watched a play or a movie, you will know that there are characters and each one has certain things they say or do.
This is not just random, they have a specific script that they follow.
EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Gracious doctor MR JEFF PIGEON is arguing with sweet author MASTER GRAHAM MEADOWS. JEFF tries to hug GRAHAM but he shakes him off.
JEFF
Please Graham, don't leave me.
GRAHAM
I'm sorry Jeff, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
JEFF
I am such a person!
GRAHAM frowns.
GRAHAM
I'm sorry, Jeff. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
GRAHAM leaves.
JEFF sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, grateful teacher PROF POLLY MACDONALD barges in looking flustered.
JEFF
Goodness, Polly! Is everything okay?
POLLY
I'm afraid not.
JEFF
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
POLLY
It's ... a tiger ... I saw an evil tiger eat a bunch of swimmers!
JEFF
Defenseless swimmers?
POLLY
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
JEFF
Bloomin' heck, Polly! We've got to do something.
POLLY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JEFF
You can start by telling me where this happened.
POLLY
I was...
POLLY fans herself and begins to wheeze.
JEFF
Focus Polly, focus! Where did it happen?
POLLY
Tate Modern, St Ives! That's right - Tate Modern, St Ives!
JEFF springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JEFF rushes along the street, followed by POLLY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - SHORTLY AFTER
ANNIE PIGEON a cold-blooded tiger terrorises two swimmers.
JEFF, closely followed by POLLY, rushes towards ANNIE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
POLLY
What is is? What's the matter?
JEFF
That's not just any old tiger, that's Annie Pigeon!
POLLY
Who's Annie Pigeon?
JEFF
Who's Annie Pigeon? Who's Annie Pigeon? Only the most cold-blooded tiger in the universe!
POLLY
Blinkin' knickers, Jeff! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cold-blooded tiger in the universe!
JEFF
You can say that again.
POLLY
Blinkin' knickers, Jeff! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cold-blooded tiger in the universe!
JEFF
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.
Annie turns and sees Jeff and Polly. She grins an evil grin.
ANNIE
Jeff Pigeon, we meet again.
POLLY
You've met?
JEFF
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JEFF is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees ANNIE. He takes off his headphones.
ANNIE
Would you like some toffees?
JEFF's eyes light up, but then he studies ANNIE more closely, and looks uneasy.
JEFF
I don't know, you look kind of cold-blooded.
ANNIE
Me? No. I'm not cold-blooded. I'm the least cold-blooded tiger in the world.
JEFF
Wait, you're a tiger?
JEFF runs away, screaming.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - PRESENT DAY
ANNIE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
POLLY
(To JEFF) You ran away?
JEFF
(To POLLY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JEFF turns to ANNIE.
JEFF
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JEFF runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
JEFF
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.
ANNIE
I'm not scared of you.
JEFF
You should be.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
JEFF and POLLY walk around searching for something.
JEFF
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.
POLLY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.
JEFF
You know nothing Polly MacDonald.
POLLY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ANNIE appears, holding a pair of swords.
ANNIE
Looking for something?
POLLY
Crikey, Jeff, she's got your swords.
JEFF
Tell me something I don't already know!
POLLY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JEFF
I know that already!
POLLY
I'm afraid of sausages.
ANNIE
(appalled) Dude!
While ANNIE is looking at POLLY with disgust, JEFF lunges forward and grabs his deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.
JEFF
Prepare to die, you cold-blooded potato!
ANNIE
No please! All I did was eat a bunch of swimmers!
GRAHAM enters, unseen by any of the others.
JEFF
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Jeff Pigeon defender of innocent swimmers.
ANNIE
Don't hurt me! Please!
JEFF
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!
ANNIE
Because Jeff, I am your mother.
JEFF looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
JEFF
No you're not!
ANNIE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ANNIE tries to grab the swords but JEFF dodges out of the way.
JEFF
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ANNIE slumps to the ground.
POLLY
Did she just faint?
JEFF
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.
JEFF crouches over ANNIE's body.
POLLY
Be careful, Jeff. It could be a trick.
JEFF
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Annie Pigeon is dead!
JEFF
What?
JEFF
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
POLLY claps her hands.
POLLY
So your swords did save the day, after all.
GRAHAM steps forward.
GRAHAM
Is it true? Did you kill the cold-blooded tiger?
JEFF
Graham how long have you been...?
GRAHAM puts his arm around JEFF.
GRAHAM
Long enough.
JEFF
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Annie Pigeon.
GRAHAM
Then the swimmers are safe?
JEFF
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
GRAHAM
You are their hero.
The swimmers bow to JEFF.
JEFF
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Annie Pigeon will never eat swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
GRAHAM
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the swimmers passes JEFF a gold talisman
GRAHAM
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JEFF
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
JEFF
Well, if you insist.
JEFF takes the talisman.
JEFF
Thank you.
The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
JEFF turns to GRAHAM.
JEFF
Does this mean you want me back?
GRAHAM
Oh, Jeff, of course I want you back!
JEFF smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
JEFF
Well you can't have me.
GRAHAM
WHAT?
JEFF
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a tiger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
GRAHAM
But...
JEFF
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Polly.
POLLY grins.
GRAHAM
But...
POLLY
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
GRAHAM
Jeff?
JEFF
I'm sorry Graham, but I think you should skidaddle.
GRAHAM leaves.
POLLY turns to JEFF.
POLLY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JEFF
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly POLLY stops.
POLLY
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the tiger don't you?
THE END
