IS IT SO WRONG TO WANT TO START AGAIN?
What happens if I never learn to let it go?
What happens if I'm angry about everything for the rest of my life?
My mother once told me that ignoring my problems was the answer.
And there was a time when I believed that she was right.
There was a time when I was willing to accept the easy way out because I knew there were no real answers out there.
But now I want better for myself and I don't know how to get it without putting my fist through the wall. I scrape my knees on the concrete outside and I blame the earth.
Still, I want a place to put all of this anger that I don't want to hold.
I've tried to swallow it, but it doesn't fit inside my throat.
In therapy, I learned that I was already good at managing my emotions. And then I went to therapy to question why I went to therapy, to begin with.
I wonder why I can't just let it all go?
God, wouldn't it be easier? To be anyone other than yourself? To put away my burdens in the same way you hang your coat up on the shelf?
I just want to know the cheat code before I've begun the game.
I want the easy way out because my legs shake every time I feel even an ounce of shame.
And every time I look up these days, I'm the only person I see in the mirror.
I could be anyone I want to be, but my circumstances are choking me and the idea of running away is thrilling, but the world is so deadly and I'm still so small.
I'm so tired of everything. I write poetry because it's more acceptable than talking to myself. I think it's easier If I can pretend that someone else is listening.
When exactly do I stop being the bright, young child I used to be? and at what age do I stop being good? 've turned my fear into excitement, as I've been told that all young people should.
Because they say my days are numbered, so it's a good thing I've stopped counting the days. they tell me my time is limited,
but what good has time ever done me anyway?
The world is surely ending, that I can say for sure. It becomes clearer by the minute, yet, I endure. and it's sad to say,
but there are days I think I'm okay with it.
I know that's a messed-up way to think, but the more I map out my future, the more it looks pretty bleak.
I've spent my life on the bleachers, just waiting for the real thing. However now my time has come, and every day I've learned to brace for another ungraceful sting.
Is it so wrong to want to start again?
Is it so wrong to wish that things had been different?
Is it so wrong if I want to live my life playing pretend?
Because I've never been quite happy with the effects of this gravity,
and I'm tired of weighing myself down trying to understand it.
I just want to float above the surface for a little longer. I want to pretend like nothing matters anymore, just for a little bit. just until I can come down from this high I've learned to exist.