And they told me I shouldn't let fear control my life, but I always was just a scared little kid at heart. And walking this earth was always a recipe for disaster for someone with a heart as big as mine.
I never left anyone behind.
I was known for sacrificing my happiness just to make sure everyone was fine.Because I never felt fine unless everyone else was. But the truth is, nobody was ever really okay.
All of it was just a lie at the end of the day.
And it's a curse to only feel happy when other people are happy. Because you will end up spending your life making everyone else content until you are left in your own dust. Until you are standing in the feeling of everything you could've been.
I have drained myself dry time
and time again. And I always found the courage to stand up when I couldn't. To stand when I shouldn't have been able to.
I held everybody's hand because I knew what it felt like to not have a hand to hold. I knew what it was like to search for warmth in everything around you. I tried finding happiness by giving everyone what I didn't have, in the slightest chance that I might get it back. And people wonder why I'm so emotionally intelligent.
I self-taught myself how to love when I was just a kid. I was smart like that. I was smart, and I didn't even know it. And really, it's a miracle I made it as far as I did.
It's a miracle I'm here when I could be standing in the middle of a cornfield screaming at the top of my lungs. It's a miracle I can still find happiness at all.
And it's a miracle I never stopped searching for it.
And I've grown to hate this world and most of the people in it. I've grown to hate myself, even though I know I don't deserve it. And I am still looking for something I know I will never find, while still being as kind as I can along the way.
And I don't know, maybe that's my gift. Giving people what I don't have. Loving when I don't understand it myself. Maybe that's why I'm in this world.
To give me up for people who don't deserve it.