And maybe I don't love you anymore, at least not in the same capacity I did before. But that doesn't mean there wasn't a time when I loved you more than the back of my own hands.
A time when I loved you as I had never been loved before.Because there was a time, at the start of this, when I didn't even recognize myself.
I was so head over heels, lost, because I found a pair of eyes that looked at me without hesitation or any sense of wavering. And there was a time when this ache in my chest stopped hurting, and I could have sworn I felt complete for once. But it was sickening,
the way I couldn't sleep,
the way I couldn't eat,
the way the earth rotated because of you.
The way I couldn't love myself if it wasn't coming from you too. And it was maddening, only being loved half the time, but accepting it because it was better than nothing
And it's always been a twisted tale, the girl with no sense of self, intertwined with someone so good for her, she thinks it can't get any better than that.
But like every past relationship I've ever had, platonic or not, I've lost myself completely in the pursuit of holding onto something I thought was real.
Because I don't know what it's like to wake up and have someone be beside me. Or to go to bed knowing that I will never be alone. So when I find something that resembles the touch of my mother's hand, I rip out every piece of myself just to hold onto what I have. But when do the nightly prayers start to sound more like begging?
When do the soft kisses begin to feel more like biting down on my own lip? And when does the fantasy in my head turn into reality upside down?
Because one day, I woke up, and I realize the world in my the head isn't what I made it out to be, and I'm the one who ruins it's for myself.
And it's funny, how I'm still so scared of abandonment, yet I've been alone my entire life, just clinging to the nearest person capable of loving me back. And I know being like this is ingrained into my bones, it's fundamental to who I am. But I don't want to do it like that anymore.
I want to be adored and cherished because I am whole. And I don't
want to be loved if it's just an alternative to being alone.
