When I was young, I had no friends. Not really. I was smart but not exactly normal. I didn't have a normal family. I didn't have money or stability or friends. The first real friend I met was in third grade. Then I met the next one in fourth, then fifth. This continued and gradually I accumulated many friends and acquaintances through school.
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They're still around, I guess I'm the only one missing. I tried not to question it too much. People are moving away from each other, right?
I don't really see people. I don't have a job anymore, I couldn't stand it. I don't physically go to school unless I have an exam or an exercise for the academic team. I have a girlfriend and a cat. I often go to her house and we hang out. It's great, really great. We are planning to move soon when I go to university. I have no safety net, my grandparents are disabled and my dad is, so it's not worth going through that. I'm taking a leap which is a big step in my life and I'm not even sure about my career. About my life. Can I make a difference in someone's life when I become a teacher? Will I have a purpose?
I never thought I would go this far. When I was a child, food, money, security were never certain. Stability was not even a possibility. College was always the goal, but I never thought I would actually achieve it.
I moved into my college dorm last summer. Me and my three best friends shared two rooms and one bathroom. We'd go to eat every meal together. We'd stay up until 2 or 3 o'clock every night, go to the gas station, get wings and energy drinks and walk to the city park. We'd talk about anything. We'd talk about anything. We'd talk to people. We'd talk shit to each other. We'd gather a larger group of friends and go out to eat every Thursday. We'd drive for hours in random directions just to see where we ended up. We made new friends. We had parties. It was fun. I met my girlfriend that fall. It was really fun. Between dates with my current girlfriend and school with my friends back then, life was good.
Back then, every night I would get this feeling in my chest. I would cry as I settled down to sleep with only three or four hours between my next class and the caffeine leaving my body. Each night would be harder and tougher to get through than the last. Thoughts of death and giving up flooded my mind, my senses were blinded by sadness. So I guess life wasn't that good. But I don't look back on that, I look at the good memories, that's all I do. I've never been completely good at any point in my life, so I look back and see what was good. I romanticize these periods of my life when I was unhappy but I have memories of playing Dungeons & Dragons and having friends.
Whether I was happy or sad, things were different when the next semester came. Winter was harsh, cold and dead. My friends and I slowly drifted apart, we stopped eating together, we didn't really hang out anymore. I had a girlfriend but we didn't see each other much, she was in the process of moving out at the time. By March, two of my friends had almost moved out of the dorm. I had the room all to myself. It was lonely, but sometimes it was nice. Mostly alone, though. I walked to class alone and ate lunch alone in my car. It was at this point that I realized why I was so sad last semester. I didn't want to grow up.
Growing up sucks, I think that's probably universally accepted as true. When I was a kid I wanted to be an adult, and now I'm legally an adult, and boy, that's not much fun, is it? When I was a kid, I couldn't control what happened to me, my destiny, so to speak. Now, it still feels like I can't control it, but when things go to shit, it's me. It's stressful. It eats me up.
I used to hang out with my friends more than I had time to think. That's why I did it, because when I started thinking, all I could do was panic. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I didn't then, and somehow I feel less and less sure every day. But every day is approaching a lease, rent, bills due, and car repairs to fix. To health insurance, to medical bills, to the mortgage and to paying back the inevitable student loans. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to be a kid again. Hell, I'll settle for being a high schooler again. I don't feel ready.