Twelve hours, two airports and two bulky plastic car seats later, we are finally home.
Emma, age 2, is officially on my personal no-fly list for another two years.
Offenses included (but were not limited to) screaming, binky-hurling, wedging herself under the airplane seat, shredding the American Way magazine, and generally bugging everyone within a 10-foot radius.
This experience gave me plenty of time to ponder the kids-on-a-plane debate.
Several friends, and one close family member, have already informed me they think parents of small children (they pretty much always mean the mom) should just stay home.
Don't inflict YOUR family on the rest of US, they say.
Are you serious? Women should just not travel anywhere of note for the 5-7 years it takes to makes a kid a civilized air traveler? No international or major cultural experiences for all that time? Does that really sound fair or just?
As a society, we accommodate all sorts of disabilities, cultural and religious practices -- we even dote on tiny, yippy dogs like they are royalty -- yet we can't accommodate the challenging presence of human-beings-in-training?
These babies will someday pay down our national debt, invent a way to stop global warming and probably decide whether the old folks get a spot in a nice assisted living facility or a decrepit one.
Yet, the general public can't manage to find a little generosity of spirit for a few hours on an airplane?
Believe me kid-haters -- you'll pay for it someday when you're the one who wants applesauce wiped off your chin or needs a push down to the lounge for a whist game.
We parents do try everything to get them to behave. We bribe them with M&Ms so they won't kick the back of your seat. We bring games and toys so they won't howl in your ear for hours on end. Mostly, it doesn't work.
So just quit with the dirty looks and exasperated sighs -- especially you silly, sunburned golfers who think it's a witty joke to board a wintertime Boston-based flight wearing shorts and "I Heart Cancun" T-shirts.
You look like fools. I'd rather sit next to a screaming baby.
How have you managed your kids on long airplane trips? Or should parents of small children just stay home?