The whole family was back at the house after yet another hunt for supplies. It was a nice day, a good day, and we had all done well in scrounging up what we needed. I liked it, being at home, sleeping in my own bed. It had been far too long since any of us had been back lately. Dealings and trips continued to hound us even in the face of our dwindling food supply. But, when we could, we tried to live a normal life.
Just a typical night. But as we all sat around the long kitchen table talking or reading or playing games, I felt it. Even over the hum of conversation it came, unbidden into my mind.
How. Ache. It. Hurts.
I'd been holding it at bay for weeks. This was the first time it had changed subjects.
How. Ache. It. Hurts. More. Harder.
It wasn't the numbers, or the math, they weren't necessary in this one like they were in the others. This was also my personal favorite. Not the most common by far, but it was the one that was started in the beginning. It seemed to have the most importance. And this is the one that always drove me to my private space in the study or my bedroom. The one I detested the most because its words were so personal. The one that bothered me the most because I never knew what would happen. It'd start with some bad math question, then some general problem, then it would start talking about my oldest daughter, and just when I was about to scream at it to get out of my mind, it would begin to talk about myself, my own mortality. It was this one that I had problems with.
It was this one that even Tessa, my oldest daughter thought I was nuts for talking to. It was this one I feared the most. I believed in souls, and if it did have a soul, it was this one I felt the most. The others were an annoyance, this was dangerous. I could envision this one surviving the death of my body. I hurriedly excused myself from the table. Tess curled her lip at me and asked if I would be back, I waved her off and hurried out into the cool night air.
The stars shone with that bit more brightness because of the recent eclipse. I needed to be outside. I walked down to the sheds behind the house. The bicycle shed was crammed with bicycles and cylinders of gasoline, next to it the greenhouse. I tried to ignore the gas canisters but they were drawing my attention, I really must find some way to get rid of some of them. I walked past the greenhouse, into the barn. It was a nice night, no animals in the barn, just hay in the feed troughs on either side. I sat down on one of the rounded tops and leaned back, looking at the bales of hay stacked up along the walls. I smiled, I thought of how I had discovered this idea when I had a fear of heights. I had dropped to my knees and grasped onto the sides of one of the hay bales and looked over the edge. This was the first time that I had seen myself as a kid. I had laughed, this was funny. It was still funny though. And I did this until I wasn't hurt anymore. Once I was confident that I would fall and not hit my head on any left over or sharp edges, I started climbing.
This is why I found myself here. It wasn't the stars, it was the dirt under my fingers. The sunburn that dotted my hands and arms. The dark cut on my cheek from the rake. I was reminded of when I had first moved here, I just walked around and found a spot. This is where I had built this hay bale and sat, the first time I can remember sitting on a new place, it had been a bale of hay. There's no better way to fall in love with a place than to stay up late and stare at it as it grows dark. It's a good way to think. Or solve things.
I looked up at the rafters in the barn. I wore my protection goggles again. No one else around here was like me. I didn't want to hurt the others. I didn't have to worry about them cutting their hands or arms on the wood. I had given up on that a long time ago.
I closed my eyes and brought this thought back to the forefront. Like I used to do when I was inside all the time. This was what I called, figuring out the solution. Just thinking, but I do it better out here, with the stars guiding me along.
I opened my eyes and looked back at my makeshift home. I lived in the middle of the barn, it had been a shock to find a working well in there. And some stables. It had taken me a long time to figure out how to get the electricity running into the barn. Hell, it had taken me a long time just to figure out how to make this place livable. But like all my other projects, I completed it.
And I enjoyed it. I especially like to sit out here when a full moon shone on the grass. The way it reflected off of the windows and trees. It was a beautiful night. The wind drifted through the open doors and windows. And the stars. God, the stars were so bright. I saw the bright red light of Mars in the binary star system, VY Ursa Majoris. And I knew it was three times the size it was. It never failed to be a wonderful sight. There were also bright stars in the Triangulum Galaxy, I could see four of them. As well as Venus, Mars, and Saturn. I could even make out minor constellations like Orion, the Big Dipper, Hercules, and the Northern Cross. And there was so much more that I probably couldn't see.
