Once upon a time everything and anything could be justified with the term YOLO.
Setting fire to your own farts. YOLO. Pulling off the cushions on the bus seat and throwing them out the window. YOLO. Eating as many crackers as you could in 60 seconds and then spitting out the powdery half chewed sludge. YOLO.
It was at this period in history that Cobbleclogs was leaving his quiet hovel in the woods and entering the non-magical world. He waved his wand at his pet dragonbudgie and exclaim "Primarkiamus." The purple scaled creature would then hop out of his cage, flutter outside then expand 40 times his normal size. Cobbleclogs would then mount the back and shout "Adios" to his neighbours, stick two fingers up and the dragonbudgie would take him on a journey. They would fly across the clouds, over the fields and over the toytown-like suburbs until he would be dropped down a ventilation shaft in a shopping centre.
He would whoosh down the network of shafts and then leave at a chute above the men's changing rooms of Primark. He would then ceremoniously fling off his wizard robes and put on whatever chavwear had been left behind. Today he found a baseball cap with a star on the front. Then he put on a furry hoodie, a very shiny plastic gold watch and some beige chinos. Once dressed, he posed in the mirror then swished the curtain out and strode forth.
Off he went through the rails and the shelves of cheap clothing, and mum's with their forgotten children. He went downstairs and out through the front doors when the security scanners flashed and wailed.
The skinhead came over, in a puffy jacket and with a face like a semi-composted potato. Cobbleclogs stared at the tattooed knuckles coming near his face. LOVE. HATE.
"Oi" she said in a deep bottom-of-the-cauldron-voice. "Where do you fink you're going?"
"Pausaramus" he shouted, pulling the wand from his pocket. Everything had stopped. All the people around him were not moving. He moved the scary security lady's hands over her own eyes.
"Playaramus" he shouted and the shoppers continued to move.
"Catch me if you can. YOLO!" he ran through the beeping scanners and down the High Street. The woman attempted to chase him but he was long gone. When he was sure to be long out of sight, he slowed down to catch his breath.
He went in to a phone shop. A worker was talking about "minutes and texts for a month, mate, but you're out of tariff so you're gonna need to top up". Cobbleclogs surveyed the phones around the room. All this newfangled technology of tomorrow. It was all like magic, but less advanced.
Once upon a time you needed an advanced diploma in Telepathy from the Insitutorium of Gurgleton to communicate with people who you weren't near. Now any old fool could get one of these devices and call someone about whether there are chicken nuggets in the freezer. What a waste. What a waste!
He played with the phone strung to the wall. I suppose these might be useful to the wizards who were struggling with their studies.
"Split Ends. Shampoo. Please Strings Split In Two!" he said and the strings holding the phones disintegrated and the phones all fell into Cobbleclogs' waiting open pockets. Cobbleclogs left before anyone noticed he'd even been inside.
He got to the park and pulled out the phones.
"Damn. This is a dummy." he threw it behind him into a bush. "Damn, this one too". "And this one." Finally he found a retrolooking brick phone that did seem to work. He dialed up his wizard friend Samulius.
The landline in Samilius' treehouse tower flat was new. And he was terribly afraid of it. It was rather strange. People could get hold of you day and night. Whenever they want. Ugh! The horror of the thought. The big arched branch windows reverberated with the tringing. He looked over at the ghastly instrument. Then decided to bite the bullet and pick up the reciever.
"Hello Hello Sami! I've found the secret spell to do anything."
"Oh Goodness me. Not one of your expeditions to the normal world again?"
"Yes yes. And the teenagers here have this amazing spell I've been using out."
"Go on then. Tell me then you young rascal."
"YOLO. You can basically do anything you want. Then say YOLO at the end of it and get away with it."
"Oh Coggleclogs we both know that's not true though isn't it. They all think you've only got one life and then you're dead. But we're magicians and we can live forever."
"Are we really? I must have missed the class that day."
"Don't you remember? There were two spells that worked. Let me get the book"
Coggleclogs chewed some bubble gum and popped it while he waited for his friend.
"Hocus Pocus Locust.
Bumcrack Toadflax Plaque
Please Give Me Eternal Life
Schlappy dappy dappy dappy dap"
Coggleclogs repeated the spell but nothing happened. A worm was crawling onto his left brogue.
"Oh no luck there Sami. You seem to have the wrong spell."
"Birds and Bees
Grass and Trees
Make me live forever please"
Cobbleclogs repeated the spell and then "whoosh" all sorts of blue light started coming out of him.
"Oh thanks Sami. I feel a bit queasy."
"Don't worry that's normal. It takes a little getting used to thinking you'll be around for all of time. But don't worry, you've all the time in the world to figure it out."
"Err, right thanks. I guess."
"Why don't you come over for a pint of Vulcanbrew when you're back from your - adventures"
"Sure sure. OK bye Sami. Bye!"
Cobbleclogs sat on the bench and watched the scene that he could potentially watch forever, until the sun collapsed in on itself. Or a black hole swallowed up the galaxy and beyond. Oh dear, oh dear! And what if you kept living? What if you were still here forever when there was nothing left? The thought filled him with an unavoidable dread.
Then a dog with balloons in it's mouth tilted it's head and jumped up onto Cobbleclogs' lap. It distracted Cobbleclogs and he gave the pup a stroke. The dog started whimpering and jumping around in circles.
"Hello little puppy." Then it lay on it's back expecting a belly rub. Bless him.
"Homearamus. Frickle fickle stew. I want to get home. Phew!"
The dragonbudgie climbed onto the bench arm and winked at Cobbleclogs and flew him discreetly along the river valley and then into his cave hole.
