And I was there as if in a time and a place that were not mine; I was going through a divorce, I was far from my son and everything hurt, I had insecurities, there were also debts, I was hungry and very seldom sleepy, in my head many thoughts, and in spite of everything, in my body, exhaustion. At times everything looked messy, I didn't know if I was angry or disappointed or if I was freeing myself from something that was suffocating me. I thought about what my family, my friends would think.... I remembered that they all questioned my sexuality and I said to myself: - well, the divorce will undoubtedly open the faucet of millions of assumptions in which most probably they had abandoned me because I was attracted to men.
The above idea was eating me up, I spent years very confused about my sexuality because of labels, because for society it is easier to categorize, we are all so square that no one can get out of the margin a little bit and if you do now you must have a new taxonomic classification. The truth is that it bothered me that they thought I liked men, and now that I think about it I don't understand why, I think what really bothered me was to give the reason to a group of ill-intentioned busybodies; teenager stuff. In case you're wondering, at that stage of my life, adolescence, doubts arose because I had suffered sexual abuse from a man, I liked my best friend (unrequited), but my first kiss was stolen by a boy (and it felt like kissing heaven).
One fine day after surviving college, I had my first sexual encounter, as it should be, and yes, it was with a girl, I mean, I had seen porn of all kinds, including gay porn, and I had had a grope, a gossip with a cousin once, but this time we liked each other, we were turned on, we denuded each other and we did it. It turned out that after living together for about 6 weeks with the one who would be my wife, I realized I liked her, and after a dinner and a couple of drinks, we kissed and ended up in bed and a year later married. The latter, was the bad decision of the season. And it wasn't about my sexuality, it was about a "cycle" that she didn't close and that wound was still bleeding. And yes, she was unfaithful to me, Javier was the other one's name. I forgave him once, I played blind the second time and the third time it seemed like shamelessness. However, she was the one who used a bad economic streak as an excuse and left. She remarried in less than a year. And I was still locked in the idea of not doing anything so as not to arouse suspicion.
When I woke up a bit, still feeling that I was in the nearest parallel universe and not in the one I had grown up in, I found myself with the dilemma: Maximiliano and Diana. Max was an 18 year old guy I met when I was 26, smart, very handsome, athletic, completely and openly gay, who was my neighbor, one night at the entrance of the building where we lived, I was arriving from a yoga class and I was taking things for dinner, he was waiting in the lobby, he smiled at me and said: - I'm hungry, you should invite me to dinner. And without thinking about it, I opened the door of my house. After a dinner, a chat, a couple of laughs, I passed him to the room, he told me: - as you invited dinner, today I am what you want me to be! And I just pounced, kissed him, undressed him and penetrated him, I felt like a predator who found an easy prey and is devouring it. I had been alone for months, immersed in my thoughts and without any sex, that day I felt like I was in paradise again.
Diana seemed to me the most beautiful woman my eyes had ever seen, she was dazzling, perhaps even the gayest man could fall in love with her. I saw her, and I could perceive light, tranquility, when I was with her, I felt peace, as if nothing else existed. We were in graduate school together, and from the moment we met at the entrance exams, we clicked. We lived together, worked together, studied together and I wanted to always be by her side, she lifted me up, encouraged me, protected me and even fed me. And I certainly fell in love. I revived, I wanted, to explain to her every single thing she didn't understand, I wanted to cook for her, I wanted so many things... but I was just her friend. I got a message from her once asking me to just grab a backpack, pack the essentials and go travel the world.
Max would come into my bed at night, less and less, and Diana was getting into my heart, more and more. One day she was on duty, and I was at another friend's house making a meal and she called me to tell me she missed me, I told her I was cooking and she told me she was dying to eat my food. I cut the call, rushed the lunch, put aside in a container a good portion for her and ran out to take it to her, when I opened the door, it was raining, what do I say, there was a storm, and in my head it was echoing: "I miss you", "I'm dying to eat your food"... I jumped into the rain and ran almost a kilometer before getting a cab to take me to the hospital, when I arrived I was distilling water and everyone saw me, I had the perfect plan: I would get to the rest room, set up the table so the lunch would look appetizing, call her and give her the surprise. But when I opened the door, she was already there, taking a nap. I didn't make a sound, she didn't wake up until I served the food, then I admired her for a brief 5 minutes and woke her up. She was a little startled to see me, but smiled afterwards, and the phrase of amazement at my detail: -Amoooor, how beautiful! Thank you. She ate, hugged me even though I was wet, and after finishing she lay down on the bed and told me: -come to my side, I want to tell you something....
My heart was galloping, I was afraid to lie down next to her and she would feel my palpitations, but I did, and she spoke: I am in love with someone, but he has a complicated life and I don't know if he is well. I swallowed, my throat felt dry, I held my breath, and out of nowhere as if her words went from being soft, now they were stabbing daggers, she told me: - his name is Juan, I met him at a party, he is a traumatologist, he has a partner but his girlfriend lives out of the country. And we have been dating. What do you think? I answered: oh, my time here is over! I hope you enjoyed my food and my company. And as for your affair, if it makes you feel good, then enjoy it while it lasts, just be careful not to hurt yourself.
When I closed the door behind me, I was no longer distilling water, I'm sure something ignited from within me and even dried my clothes. Even though it was killing me, I was actually coming alive. I was no longer my usual self. Now there would be no more crushes. So before I got home I rang the doorbell at Max's apartment. I dragged him into my room, undressed him as if for the first time, and penetrated him until I had no more desire left just as he was moaning with exhaustion.
After that, I jumped perhaps to a different dimension, he was another without a doubt. But there was no turning back, perhaps without the need to understand physics in depth, I went through different realities and now it was my turn to start again!
