Could you stop scrolling?š„¹ Iām about to be vulnerable and share what has been on my mind. This topic couldnāt have come at a better time.
We all have that one thing about ourselves that we wish were a little different- be it a physical feature or a character trait. We try hard to embrace it, but, thereāll always be that part we wish we could tweak.
While others might choose to focus on the negative side of it when blogging, I beg to differ.
Have you ever wished to change a good character trait. you have and value? It sounds odd right? Everyoneās trying to change to good, and here you are wanting to do the opposite. Well, thatās how I feel right now.
Friendship is something I deeply value, and Iāve always considered my friends to be a big part of my life. I do not call everybody I associate with a āfriendā. I let people know that not everyone is supposed to be your friend just because you vibe well. If youāre my classmate, colleague, church member, etc., Iāll address you as such. My friends are only a handful as I take time when choosing them because not everybody is supposed to see or know my vulnerabilities. The way I value and uphold them and their values, I believed they would do the same. Or so I had thought.
Although friends arenāt family, Iād do almost anything for them even when it feels like I get little or nothing in return. I go out of my way for them, both in my actions, lifestyle, words, values, even when itās incredibly inconvenient for me. Their happiness is my happiness. I know this trait can be seen as a positive one- after all, who wouldnāt want a loyal friend? I sometimes wonder if thatās where I go wrong. Maybe in trying to be the ācome throughā friend, I allowed them take advantage of my loyalty.
Whatās worse is that they always come back either pretending like nothing happened or apologizing and expecting things to return to normal immediately. Instances where I try to address the issue, itās always, āna wa ooo, you no Dey let something goā. And we just have to go back to the beginning.
No one is perfect, they say, but shouldnāt our imperfections complement each other?
For instance, there was once a time when someone falsely accused a friend and me. I kept on using the pronouns āweā and āusā to speak in our defense, only to hear my friend say, āI can only speak for myselfā. That cut deep. Another time, a friend asked someone to rape me because she felt I was āformingā, (thankfully, it didnāt go as they had planned). I also remember getting teased for wearing ābathroom slippersā in public, while the one I swapped mine with did nothing to defend me. I didnāt expect her to announce we swapped slippers; I just wanted her to support me in that moment. Many memories.
Iāve realized over time that this part of me has influenced how I approach certain situations. It has made me second-guess myself in moments where I should feel confident. Iām not saying they havenāt done things for me or that theyāre bad people. They are good in their own way - after all, thatās why we became friends. I just feel I havenāt made it onto their priority list the way they have made it onto mine.
This is one aspect Iām still working on-drawing the line. Iāve come to understand that while itās okay to want to make people happy, itās just as important to prioritize my happiness too. As much as I want to put myself first, I struggle because I donāt want to lose the people I care about. I donāt have it all figured out, but over the years, Iāve learned to be secretive about myself. Let them know only what they canāt use against you (even then, humans build things up, but who cares). Iām also learning to say ānoā (baby steps, they say).
Maybe one day, Iāll find that balance. Until then, Iām realizing that I deserve more than Iāve been given. Iām learning to recognize my worth, and if others donāt see it, then, they just have to go.
So, if you asked me, āIf there was one aspect of yourself you could change or wish was a little different, whether physical feature or character trait, what would it be and why?ā my answer would be my loyalty. Not because loyalty is a bad trait but because Iām tired of the continuous cycle of hurt that it brings me. But then, thatās not a trait I intend passing on to my unborn children.
I apologize for being in my feelings right now-I just needed to let out. Iām only human after all.
This is my entry for this weekās Hivenaija weekly prompt.
