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Hi guys, how are you doing, friends? It will soon be the weekend, when we'll have enough time to relax and enjoy ourselves. Thanks for this week's prompt. I never knew that such feelings and thought of incompetence despite positive evidence is called imposter syndrome.
Before now, I used to feel as if I have not done enough, or like others are doing better, even when I am not doing bad. In fact, this was common while I was in secondary school, especially during exams. I would prepare so well for the exam, collect answer sheets, write and write comprehensively that I knew that I had performed excellently. Then, when the results came out, I mostly came at the top of the class with an excellent 'A'. Yet, I would feel I should have included this and that in the answers again, and became moody, after scoring 80%. This particular action of being moody and downcast even after an excellent performance was what used to annoy my friends the most.
When I got to the university, it still persisted that a lecturer uploaded our results and I got a 70 'A'. I looked at the course breakdown keenly and discovered he didn't record my first test. I decided to approach him and my friends warned me not to since I already had the highest grade which was an 'A'. When I got to the man and complained. He opened the portal and saw that I already had an 'A'. He just stood up and parted me on my back, "You have already done well, my child". An 'A' is an 'A'. He said. I just worked out sluggishly from his office, as if he gave me an 'F'. Maybe something I should have rejoiced for, having a highest grade after all.
I only came to know that feeling was a bad one, when I realised I hardly talked in class. I was always keeping quiet. It was a university and the universal language was English. It was not like I could not speak English. I was fluent to an extent but I used to have some thoughts of incompetence, not good enough. I would just keep mute, even when people were discussing the most interesting topic. I only smiled and waved, even to those that liked me and wanted to elicit a conversation. There were also times I would have great ideas to contribute in class, but whenever this thought of not being good enough engulfed me, I went mute and they even tagged me as the most reserved in my class. Most reserved for where? Within me I knew it wasn't about reservation. Nothing pleased me more than speaking to people and sharing my ideas, but that imposter syndrome was really a bad one.
At some time, I realised I shouldn't be harsh on myself, that I am doing well. I started appreciating myself. Calling myself by name, and saying 'well done, Ainajane'. I stopped being moody at my success. I became very intentional in echoing 'Wow' at every good performance. I started engaging people in conversation and they were all amazed that I had such great ideas. They wondered what happened in the past and what actually changed. I would just smile at them and continue my speaking. Imposter syndrome once made me a shadow of myself but I have deliberately overcome it because it's not a good one. Now, I tell myself that I am good, beautiful, capable, strong and great. Of course, no more fear and self doubt.
This is my entry to the hivenaija weekly prompt.
Thanks for reading.
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