As this is the festive season for most of the UK tomorrow I am expecting my wife's family to arrive to stay for a couple of days. When my wife reminded me today I almost fainted in horror.
Everyone has heard the stereotypical stuff which is often spouted about Mothers in law. Well, I have it worse. Not only do I have a stern and scary Mother in Law, the Father is just as bad, if not worse. As I thought about them coming to stay my mind cast back to the first time I met them.
Some 15 years ago, I was standing outside a restaurant with my wife-to-be waiting for the arrival of her parents, who I had never met. At the time I smoked and was puffing away on a cigarette with quite the nervous energy. As I smoked frantically I had a terrible thought.
You said they both smoke?
Yes. So don't worry. They won't be offended if you do, in fact, they will probably approve of you all the more.
My wife-to-be smiled at me to put my mind at ease. Then her smile became more of a grimace and she nodded over my shoulder.
Hi Mum, Dad.
I stubbed my cigarette out and turned to meet the future parents-in-law. The Father was well over six foot and had a massive beard. His jaw jutted out disapprovingly as if he suspected I had done something sordid with my fingers. The mother was a little smaller but a lot bigger in girth. She had large glasses that made her eyes look like Koi Carp swimming in two giant bowls.
I stuck my hand out to the Father.
I'm Boom. Pleased to meet you!
He glared at my hand. No doubt still imagining those fingers and their antics.
James.
He barked at me.
I wasn't sure if he was telling me his name or accusing me of being a James. I turned my still outstretched hand to my future Mother-in-law and gave her my best smile. She frowned at me and put a small brown cigarette to her lips and inhaled an inhumanly large amount of smoke.
She then blew it out in a great big cloud which enveloped us all. I tensed, was this a trick like those that Ninja used? Was she about to come at me with a throwing star or a dagger?
Did I see you just put out a cigarette?
She hissed indignantly, the way a swan would at a dog
Erm, why yes. Yes you did.
Said I, quite bravely with only a little tremor in my voice.
Bloody filthy habit...
She took another great puff from her cigarette which glowed like a raging forest fire.
It will be the end of you, you know.
Was that a threat? Was she going to kill me for smoking and seeing her daughter? I wondered about this and more as we moved into the restaurant. I was sat across from her Father and beside her Mother. The Mother ignored me. The father stared at me over his beard. His jaw clenching wildly at times as he stared.
Throughout the course of the meal they interrogated me in turns.
Did I drive?
Did I work?
Did I own my own house?
Which newspapers did I read?
It went on and on. I wondered if they realised it was meant to be Good Cop/Bad Cop and not just Bad Cop/Bad Cop. Toward the end of the ordeal, the Father asked me to step outside with him.
I flinched. In Glasgow, stepping outside with someone usually means a bit of a fight. I wondered whether I should strip to the waist and rub butter all over my torso to make me harder to grab.
Outside he lit a cigar. and glowered at me.
She has three brothers and me you know.
I was quite annoyed by the implied threat in his tone. In fact, I had been annoyed by the whole night. I couldn't help myself when I replied.
And now she has a real man!
I grinned then left him standing gritting his teeth and went inside to collect my wife to be.
The relationship has not improved any over the last fifteen years, which means I will have to do that most Scottish of things and drink my way through it. What about you? Have you got good parents-in-law? Or bad ones?
Do you have any real horror stories?
Let us know in the comments!
All pictures sourced from pixabay and in most cases subjected to various manipulations. Apart from my amazing hand-made stick men picture, that's mine!
Authored by: 
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