An encounter with someone severely irritated me a few weeks back, causing me to unknowingly slip into my nonchalance state. I believe everyone has that moment when something happens and you're like, "You know what? I will not do this again. I won't be available anymore." Yes, those kind of moments.
So after it happened, I was very overwhelmed with anger. I was fuming for days and unconsciously began shutting everything and everyone off, which was very weird even to me. Because I’m never one to transfer what I’m feeling about something or someone to another thing or person.
For days or even weeks, I just became very nonchalant, inaccessible, and so unavailable to everyone around me, even my family. But today, I woke up and then asked myself, “Why are you letting this person win?” No, seriously , why are you doing this?
Because of what someone somewhere did, I’m no longer making time for other people. Even my own self. Totally ignoring my needs? Really? When did I get here? I mean, if I want to cut off that person and be inaccessible to the fella, fine, but not all the people around me. Because if there’s anything I’ve come to learn, it’s the fact that people know exactly what they are doing. People are very much aware of their actions even if they don’t know how those actions affect you.
I believe that if someone is kind and cares about you, they would be interested in how their actions affect you. However, in this case, the person does not care about how I feel or how those actions affect me. And that isn't the first time this has happened, so the most I can do is forgive myself for allowing it to happen again. Forgive myself for enabling such a person to have so much access to me, causing my entire mental state to be in complete anguish.
I forgive myself for allowing this person's actions to have such an impact on me that I projected my own emotions onto others. I forgive myself for not making time to care to my own personal needs because I was too affected by someone else's conduct. I forgive myself for everything I've gone through in recent weeks because of this person.
These situations show me a different light of myself, because guess what? Despite everything I've mentioned above, I know I'll still have a lot of love to give should this individual come running back to me in need. And to me, that is the essence of what it means to be human, and I will not apologize for it.
Images are mine
