Disclaimer: For fun only. If you own any one of these brands, which you probably do...
...SORRY ABOUT THAT... :D
Acura:
All Customers Undergo Repair Anxiety
Alfa-Romeo:
All Loosely Fitted Accessories Remain On Motorway Enraging Others
Audi:
Aging, Unfulfilled Dentists' Investment
Bentley:
British Excess Needs To Leave Everywhere, Yesterday
BMW:
Big Money Wasted
Bugatti:
"Bangin' Underground Gangsta Attitude" Trumps Techy Image
Buick:
Big, Underpowered, Impressing China Keenly
Cadillac:
Can American Designers Invent Lovely Lines? Apparently, Can't.
Chevrolet:
Cheap Heaps: Expect Very Routine Owner Letdowns, Excessive Trouble
Chrysler:
Can Hear Revs, Yet Sense Little Engine Reaction
Citröen:
Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters
Dodge:
Doddering Old Dudes Get Excited
Ferrari:
Fragile, Expensive Rides Repel All Reasonable Individuals
Fiat:
Fix It Again, Tony
Ford:
Fix Or Repair Daily
GMC:
Great, More Crap
Holden:
Horrible Old Lump of Decrepit Engineering Nonsense
Honda:
Had One, Never Did Again
Hummer:
Huge, Usually Male Member Enlarger Replacement
Hyundai:
Hope You Understand No Dependable Autos Included
Jaguar:
Just Another Gearbox Under Annual Repair
Jeep:
Just Expect Excessive Problems
Kia:
Korean Idiot's Attempt
Lamborghini:
Less Able Men Buy Only Really Gaudy High-priced Italian Narcissism Implements
Land Rover:
Lame Americans Need Dumb, Really Oversized Vehicles, England Realized
Lexus:
Luxury Equipment Xeroxed, Used Seldom
Lincoln:
Luxury Is Now Cheesy On Latest Navigators
Lotus:
Lightness Out; Tubbiness Ubiquitous, Sadly
Maserati:
Mechanically Adept Souls Expect Repairs All Times, Indefinitely
Maybach:
Mercedes, And Yet Buyers Almost Completely Hypothetical
Mazda:
Mainstream Ads, "Zoom-Zoom" Denote Apathy
Mercedes-Benz:
Mechanical Engineers Regret Choices, Especially Designing Expensive Stuff, But Executives Need Zillions
Mercury:
Massive Engines Run Curiously Underpowered Rolling Yawnbarges
Mini:
Metrosexual Idiots Need Instructions
Mitsubishi:
Mechanics Investigate Trouble, Some Understand, But It's Sure Had It
Nissan:
Nasty Import Styles Seem All Normal
Oldsmobile:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Incessantly Late Everyday
Pagani:
Prissy Aristocrats Gather Accumulated Net Income
Pontiac:
Ponderous, Old, Noisy — These Indicate Attributes, Clearly
Porsche:
Pricks Or Rich Shitheads Can Have ‘Em
Rolls-Royce:
Rich Old Lame Louts Still Run Over Your Childhood Expectations
Saab:
Sadly Absent, Always Broken
Saturn:
Slow And Tasteless: Upgrade Right Now!
Scion:
Sad Cars Inspire Only Nausea
Smart:
Smug Men Are Really Tiny
Subaru:
Shift Up, Because Always Revs Unnecessarily
Suzuki:
Sadly Uninspired Zip Ultimately Kills It
Tesla:
Technology Excesses Seem Lame, Actually
Toyota:
Totally Ordinary Yawn-Optimizing Tedious Autos
Volkswagen:
Very Ordinary Looking Krautwagons Saddled With Apathetic German Engineering Now
Volvo:
Vacuous Owners Love Vehicular Oddities