Spoiler Warning! This is a short graphical story about Rex and his adventures. The subject matter within is meant for an immature audience with a good sense of humor (seriously, probably not suitable for kids under 13). These are real graphics from Xenoblade Chronicles 2, and I have not edited them (much). The story below may or may not be related to the actual gameplay storyline.
Episode 7: Ain't Gettin' To Heaven
A Xenoblades Chronicles 2 Short Story by @creativetruth
When we last finished, Rex and his new squeeze Pyra were in a heated argument with The Judds. Naomi ranted about how she was going to get her half of the royalties for their old songs, or there would be hell to pay. Wynona gave her the hand and wined about how she was tired of carrying Naomi's weight around to Jenny Craig all the time. Wynona mused that being the younger, prettier, and more talented one, she should finally get the credit she deserves.
The Judds hadn't released a song in over a decade, and Rex and Pyra couldn't stand the verbal abuse any longer. As the fire burned up inside them, together they teamed up to intervene. Unfortunately, things backfired when the pyrotechnics went awry, and the whole stage went up in cosmic flames.
Rex did the only thing he could think of.
So, he touched the Auryn stone surgically implanted in his chest, and made a wish.
"I wish I could be somewhere that's green."
And this is where our story begins...
His prayer was answered with a sonic boom.
Rex: Falcore, what would I do without you?
The mighty Luck Dragon rescued Rex, Pyra, and even the two furries, and then proceeded to turn Captain Jack's pirate ship into a burning taco crisp.
Everything got very dark. In the beginning, it is always dark.
Rex: Am I, dreaming? Am I dead... again?
Pyra: No silly. You're in my lap.
Pyra: You were shivering, so I tried my best to keep you warm. Since we don't have any blankets, I had to use my body for warmth.
Rex: (Umm, can't you like shoot fireballs out of your hands? You're such an idiot.)
For a moment, Rex did not know what to say.
Rex: ... Wow, Pyra. You're so thoughtful.
Looked like she was buying it.
Rex: You probably saved my life. But, where are we?
Pyra: Trapped, in a swamp filled with delicious fruit, pixie dust, tropical trees, and steem-filled saunas everywhere you look. Sometimes I feel like I could just cast my clothes away and never have another care in the world. Everything we could ever want is here, Rex. Just you, me, and paradise.
Rex: Wait! I know where we are. We're in the Swamps of Gladness. My mother used to tell me about this hidden paradise in stories when I was a little boy. She told me to never give up hope and get lost if I ever find myself in the Swamps of Gladness, because if you do, you'll stop caring about anything else and you'll want to stay there forever.
Pyra: That's terrible.
Rex: Yeah I know.
Rex: Let's find the others, and figure out a way to get out of this forgotten wasteland.
Pyra: Rex, you go on without me. I'm getting so hot in this place, I can barely stand up. The water over here looks so nice. What if I just take a bath first? I'll be really quick, and then we can set out.
Rex: Okay, fine. You don't have to twist my arm or anything. Put your things behind this rock, and I'll stand guard.
Pyra: Thanks Rex. You're the best!
15 minutes later...
Pyra: Woah, that really hit the spot. How did they get those water jets and bubbles in this natural hot tub anyway?
Rex: Magic, I guess. You know what? I'm getting hungry. Let's go grab some grub.
So through the enchanted forest they began to hunt.
Together, the duo became quite the pair. Rex would cleave fat rodents with his ridiculously huge sword, and Pyra would roast them almost to cinders to get a nice barbecue flavor.
Pyra: Go for it Rex. Put another Shrimp on the Barbie! Teehee, that's me! I'm the Barbie.
Onward they continued in their quest, until eventually they stumbled on a very grim sight.
Rex: Falkore, is that you? What's wrong?
Dragon: I am not Falkore. My real name is Morla "The Aged One". I have suffered this form for nearly a thousand years. I have lived a long and good life, but now I think I am ready to die here in the Swamps of Gladness. Rex, my boy, you have been a real pain in the neck these last ten years of my life, and I just wanted you to know that before I die.
Rex: Please, is there anything I can do? What if I just yank this large metal thing out of your neck?
Dragon: No! I'm afraid not. Pulling these missiles out of my neck might allow these old bones to heal, but nothing can heal the scars you've infringed on my tired old heart. No, my boy, I've rescued you for the last time. I quit. I retire. I'm done. Let me die in peace.
Rex: But where am I supposed to go?
Dragon: Damned if I know. Go see Aughra, the furry one, and ask her if she knows a doctor who can help you with that green crystal in your chest that seems to have nuked the last of your brain cells. Maybe she can get you out of this great conjunction you got yourself in.
Rex: Artax! Don't go! You're sinking!
Rex: Please! You have to try, or else The Nothing will consume you! Try! You have to try for me! Please...
Rex: Artax! Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssse!
As the old dragon faded away into the stars never to be seen again, something inside the boy died. His heart cracked.
Que the saddest music of all time.
Rex mourned his lost steed. It was the saddest moment of his young life. He had never known a loss that touched him dearly. The loss of his closest friend brought back many of his fondest memories.
The time when Rex peed into the last of their limited water supply, and the old dragon got sick for a week.
The time they flipped over and almost drowned in the middle of the endless ocean because Rex played a practical joke and kicked his planters over onto the old dragon's head.
The time Rex attempted to best Harry Houdini by performing the "Safer Underwater" stunt. The silly old dragon always knew how to make a big splash.
Rex: Things just won't be the same any more. What will I do? Who will I pick on, now?
Pyra: Look Rex! Is that a Pokémon?
Rex: Oh cool, I've always wanted a Mew!
Baby Dragon: I'm not a Pokémon, I'm a Wuzzle. Half-dragon, half-unicorn.
Rex: A Whuttle?
The little pink dragon slapped his forehead, but only managed to accidentally prick his hand on his horn. He cursed instead. Fortunately, he is able to instantly heal from his wound with a touch of the magical horn.
Baby Dragon: Forget it. Kids these days wouldn't understand.
Rex: Are... are... are you?
Baby Dragon: Yeah, yeah, it's me. I tried dying, but it turns out things don't work that way. I guess reincarnation is how death really works after all. If I knew what might happen after I died, then I wouldn't have said all those nasty things to you in my dying breath. Karma might have turned me into something better than this pink little fur-ball of fluff.
Pyra: But you're sooooo cuuuuute.
Baby Dragon: Say that again, and I'll chew your face off.
Rex: No time for that. We have to find What's-Her-Name before it gets too late. Between the three of us, we could be lost for days. We'll have to find that bratty kat girl and her pet snow tiger, so she can boss us around and tell us what to do next. There's really no other way around this plot line. Without a feminist SJW inserted into this story, Marvel is never going publish the next episode.
Rex: Here Kitty-Kitty-Kitty! Where are you?
Rex: Look, another lake, Pyra.
Pyra: Not now, Rex. Maybe later.
Rex: You got a better idea?
Pyra: Actually yes.... MARCO!.... MARCO!...
Rex: (Oh come On! That will never work.)
Kat: Polo! I'm over here.
Rex: !!
Kat: Oh it's you two, eh? I need your help. Hurry!
Kat: This Deplorable Slug was trying to hold a Prayer Rally, and I won't allow him to get away with his Nazi hate speech any longer.
Komrade Keke: Away with you! I am trying to raise my frog family to be proper and good. God forbid they grow up thinking they are a Furry like you. The last thing I want is for my kids to start dating unitard weirdos like you, or that beast you carry around on a leash. Go back to the Litter Box you came from.
Rex: You can't talk to our friend like that, and get away with it. C'mon Pyra. Let's blow this guy... up!
Pyra: Fiery Inferno!
Kat: Yeah, go to Hell!
Rex: Uhh, don't you think that was a bit overkill?
Kat: Naa, he had it coming.
Kat: So I know you two are cis-gendered and all, but something inside of me tells me you're really just a couple of Furries dying to come out of the closet. Wouldn't you just like to try on my pajamas just once, and see if you like the way it feels inside?
Rex: Uh no... that's okay. Maybe some other time.
Kat: Okay, but you don't know what you're missing. How about some cat food? You hungry?
Rex and Pyra fight the urge to vomit.
Pyra: Sorry, I'm allergic.
Rex: Yeah, #metoo. We're fruitarians.
Kat: Silly me. That was such an insensitive question to ask. Can you ever forgive me?
Rex: (With veiled sarcasm) It might take some time...
Pyra: We forgive you Kat. Now where do we go from here?
Kat: Well there's a city over on the other side of that pond. Let's go there.
Rex: Works for me.
Thanks for reading my story. Please follow me if you want to read more about my adventures.
Join us next time, or not, when the Lady Nocturnal teaches Rex and Pyra the secret rites of the Mufasa Mysteries: a feline version of the Kama Sutra sexual arts. Will the budding romance between Rex and Pyra become suddenly popped by an orgy overload, hosted by the Dominatrix Queen of freaky feline fetishes?
Only time will tell. You'll just have to tune in and find out how weird things can get in the next episode of the Xenoblade Chronicles 2.
Check out past episodes if you want to catch up on what you missed.
Episode1 - Heads up, in the clouds
Episode2 - The Talent Audition
Episode3 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirtle
Episode4 - Plumbing the Pipes
Episode5 - Steem Green Dreams
Episode6 - Revenge of the Cisgender
