When I tell people I have 'misophonia' or what is a sensory integration disorder (basically a where certain sounds or smells make me completely lose my mind) most people say, 'Oh yeah, I have that too. I hate it when I hear people chewing.' Really? Oooooh really!?! You have that too and you hate it? They say this to me while they slurp a latte. They say this after they've been chewing so loudly you could probably hear it underwater. If you hated those sounds you would never make them. You wouldn't ever chew gum. You wouldn't let those sniffles go on and on and on, just blow your goddamn nose already! I have pictured myself doing terrible and violent things to the heavy breathers and open mouthed chewers of this world. Horrible things.
Today, I am on the train and the wifi isn't working and I don't have any music on my new phone yet. I cannot believe I didn't plan ahead for this trip! I am sitting here with my headphones in hoping they will at least muffle the sounds around me. I keep repeating to myself, 'Don't panic.' I look back. The woman behind me is eating potato chips and the fellow next to her has the sniffles. The man across the aisle has a bag of Cheetos and as I watched him laboriously fish the bag out of his backpack and prepare to open them I shake my head and utter under my breath, 'Just fucking kill me'.
I considered riding the entire trip in the bathroom. I've already moved seats twice. Blinking back tears, I shoot a dagger sharp glare at a woman for crinkling the plastic on her hummus container. It is everything that I can do to try to meditate, each breath gently unlocking my jaw a little more. 'Release your jaw, drop your shoulders, breath.' I used to be a yoga teacher, I am a bar tender; I work in industries where I am forced to listed to people breath and chew all day and I cope just fine when I am distracted with a task. Playing music helps, it really might be the only thing that keeps me sane and right now, I don't have any. My chest feels tight and heavy. I desperately need to use this time to study but I can't focus on anything other than coping with this completely unnecessary panic. I close my eyes because, even though I can't hear her, I can see the woman across from me in the corner of my eye. Watching her jaw move as she slowly chews each pretzel chip she has mindlessly dipped in her hummus and crunch, crunch, crunch, each motion of her jaw feels like a threat to my sanity. With each move up, down, up, the fear that that action will be accompanied by a sound. A sound that for some fucking insane reason triggers my parasympathetic nervous system into full on fight or flight. Like someone with severe PTSD. You'd think I'd been held down and violently tortured as a child, by a mouth breather who chewed loudly and had a nose whistle when he inhaled. It has been less than an hour on this train and I am getting a headache from my locked jaw, I have to sit with my back turned away from the couple across the aisle from me, because he is a HEAVY breather and I don't want to shoot death glares at him. I feel guilty for feeling this negativity toward complete strangers. I am disgusted by them, I feel this pit in my stomach, ugliness like hate. I'm not a hateful person, I LOVE people. I love parties and dancing and making new friends. I love music. Why didn't I put any music on my new goddamn phone?! I hear the keys on his computer clicking and shoot a quick glance. I remind myself to find compassion for the people I'm trapped on this train with and compassion for myself. Breath. Tears well up in my eyes again. The woman next to me just opened a bag of M&M's and is slowly eating one at a time, I can hear her roll each one around in her mouth while she waits for the candy coating to dissolve, FUCK! I almost snatch the bag out of her hands and throw it across the train! Only 2 more hours..
Is that what it's like for you?