I am single again and I am learning how to be independent and on my own. My boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, broke up with me two weeks ago. Unexpectedly and quite frankly immaturely. I was spending time with my family who was going through a difficult time and I chose not to call him during our first fight. So apparently, I was playing games and he broke up with me via text. I realize that there’s a honeymoon phase and that we all go through one in a relationship. This was our first fight. This was our chance to make it work or to walk away because it was too hard. It wasn’t even a bad fight. But instead of choosing to work through it, he walked away. So to celebrate my independence and my singlehood, I traveled to the city, Colorado Springs by myself. This is the second trip that I’ve probably taken on my own since being younger or back in college or even in my 20s. Maybe even since I was 21. My first drive was pretty stress-free, except for one point where I couldn’t decide which if the semi went first or if I went first. I let the semi go first. But the second one was a little more stressful. It’s going to make quitting smoking a little bit more tough. LOL. But I made it and once I got there, I enjoyed myself for a few minutes while I kind of collected myself. And then I decided to walk around and find somewhere to eat and get a bloody mary because frankly I was hungry and this is the summer of bloody marys and pickles. Bloody marys because they taste so damn good right now and pickles because I love them, LOL, at least right now. So I walked to the first place called Edelweiss and it was Bavarian and it looked OK but it was a little shabby so I continued forth. I should’ve turned left on this one street but instead went straight on another and kind of got turned around and by the time I knew where I was. I was starving, so I just looked to the left and there was this place called Prime 25. So, I looked at the menu outside and it looked pretty fancy. It looked like a steak and seafood house, but by God it looked like it had a damn good bloody mary. So I went in and I got my bloody mary and got my water and looked at the menu and there was this one item. It had arugula on the plate and I love arugula. I also liked that it was a beef dish. But then I saw caper berries. And it was all over. I said I wanted the beef carpaccio. Because once I had caper berries back in my hometown because they were out of capers for my calzone. They’re like capers but humongous like a green olive and had mustard like seeds in the center. Now they don’t have them anymore in my hometown. Apparently getting caper berries where I’m from is very hard to do. Well I’ve never had carpaccio before, so when they served it, was a thin thin thin small slice of rawish beef of some sort that looked like a piece of raw bacon. Now you have to realize. I do love steak tartare, so this slightly raw beef looked excellent. But it looked really expensive, which I knew it was because I did look at the price before but it was one of those fancy plates that you got four pieces of toasted bread with a tiny slice of beef that you’re supposed to share amongst maybe two people. I ate the shit out of that. And I drink my bloody mary and I took a picture like a foodie and I sent it to the people I wanted to and I posted it on Facebook. Yes, I’m that type of person. I post my food on Facebook whether I cook it or am just eating it. But even though I knew it was expensive and probably more than I should’ve been spending I wanted to celebrate being single and learning how to be independent and in the city away from my hometown where I feel suffocated. I was just excited to be out and about for once. I did realize a couple of things while I was there because I’m supposed be a little reflective on this trip anyway, which long-distance driving is perfect for even if you’re listening to music because a song could come on and it just speaks to you and you’re like, yeah, fuck you, you left me, I’m awesome, I’m single, let’s do this. Anyway back to my meal, I realize that my OCD really came out today. I was arranging napkins, utensils, glasses, my food. I work really hard not to do that so much in public but apparently maybe the stress of being alone or the stress of driving or the stress of doing something new and scary made it came out and I think it was a coping mechanism, finding comfort in something I knew. Second thing, that it was more of a confirmation. I am super klutzy and I was trying to fork the toasted bread and it slipped out from under my fork and they have these fancy little plates that don’t do shit for your food and it slipped and everything clattered and everything went flying. Not so bad if you know me because it’s like, that’s Leah. But others may be thinking, whoa is she OK? Did she have to many bloody marys and I’m like, no, you served me. I have half a bloody mary left. I’m fine. I’m just klutzy. And then I walked outside in the sun and it felt so good after I ate and it wasn’t just because the heat usually feels good on me after I eat, but it felt freeing. And then it was exciting. I wanted to shout out at all the guys riding around on their motorcycles and I totally wanted to randomly jump on one and just go. And then there was a lady who was working on her garden previously that I had walked by before and I walked by her again and she had made it pretty darn far. I was like hello, you made it really far. She’s like, oh good, I’m glad to hear that. And I just realize being able to interact with so many different people feels so good. I have missed the city. One more thing, I jump from relationship to relationship to relationship without finding any time to just be myself and find independence. I know my family is very worried about me dating again because they don’t have any faith in me. Faith and unconditional love should not have to be earned... trust, yes, but then my mom asked what is the difference? I didn’t know how to describe what I thought was the difference, but all I could say was that it was like a religious person’s faith. God didn’t have anything to gain his people’s trust, it was given freely... because my family has no faith in me, how am I supposed to have faith in myself? But why should they have faith in me? Isn’t that just the ego trying to make myself feel better for bad decisions? That is what this summer is about, self discovery, reflection, contemplation. So sit down and we will discuss all the ways I am going to get my shit together. We can talk about our beautiful trauma over bloody marys and pickles. 😉