Depression & Anxiety are each a form of demon all of us have to face at some point, for some people they are a bit more persistent, and when they come hand in hand they can trigger a War in your mind.
I quit management 7 months ago, I was working on average 60 hours a week in a job I had grown to despise, and this also festered a deep hatred for dealing with 'customers'. When you're in any kind of customer service oriented job, as the employee you often become sub-human. Some people feel that it's totally fine to disregard all forms of social interaction etiquette, and that they have the right to tear into your soul and you will just have to put up with it. And they are correct. We do just have to put up with it, hell they even give us training to teach you how to put up with it.
Couple this sad state of affairs with being highly empathic and somewhat open, and largely being in denial of that aspect of your self, and it's easy to fill in the timeline to where I just impulsively handed in my notice and decided that I deserve better than that.
I was never satisfied working. I always intended to become self sufficient, but after this, or after that, or when x, y and z conditions are in place then I'll make a move.
Suddenly with my 30th birthday looming, I wondered where the fuck I had wasted the last 10 years of my life. 10 mostly miserable years working like a maniac for other people, very successfully too. I led one firm from near bankruptcy when I first started there, to needing to employ double the staff 1 year down the line, and again through an almost second crash following Brexit. Granted that was not a single handed effort, but I will give my self credit for directing it that way and initiating the recovery.
When I work, I work bloody hard.
I've not had a single job where I did not progress. I have never been fired, I had not, up until 6 months ago been to a single interview and not landed the job. I am not gloating, just setting the stage.
Fast forward to this morning, that same person was sat in the shower trying to hold back a panic attack, trying to get my god damn shit together to attend an interview in a few hours time. The panel of 4 who interviewed me would have had no suspicion of this, I can guarantee you. It wasn't a fake version of my self, the confident radiating woman who walked into that office, is just another version of me, who had been working tirelessly for years on end. She decided she needed a time-out 7 months ago, & somewhere along the line she fell into the grip of depression and anxiety, whom she had successfully managed to keep leashes on, all be it difficult to control often, for a long time. But she could not steer the reigns anymore, and had grown weak from sheer exhaustion, because I had been ignoring her pleas for help for too long. I could see her struggling but I kept pushing her, and ignored all her warning signs. Image Source
Please, I need you to come out, I know I didn't help you when you needed it, and I am so sorry, but I really really need you to come out today. Finally a door has opened and I can't walk in there with these two idiots i.e depression & anxiety.
She Is stubborn.
As soon as the alarm clock wen't off this morning for my partner to get out of bed and off to work, before I opened my eyes, that few seconds of realising you're awake was like a bulldozer slammed straight into my guts and a long piercing knife went straight through my heart. I couldn't even talk. I pretended I was still asleep, I knew that if I started to talk I would just be hysterical, and my boyfriend would be late for work, he would not leave me in such a state. So I pretended I was still asleep until he left. Once he did, I actually decided I would go back to sleep, I could feel what was lurking, and thought if I went back to sleep and got up just in enough time to have a shower and get ready etc, that the inevitable would not happen. So I set my alarm for 1pm, giving me an hour and a half to make my self presentable.
There was just so much noise going on outside I just got up within half an hour. I had some tea and a cigarette, distracted my self on steemit for a bit, but the pit in my stomach was getting heavier, and I could feel the tears tickling the surface. I managed to offset it a bit, but then it came.
The demons in my mind were fully awake now too, having had all night to gather energy as I slept, here we were, face to face about to engage in battle. They start with the thoughts........you're not good enough, you won't get this, it will be the same as the last interview, you've been out of work too long, do you even think you could handle going back to work right now? Look at you.............
Then the tears came, the shakes set in, the heart got ready to fight thinking there is a predator near by, my mind is going crazy, it's a rapid chain reaction. Now everyone is involved and screaming and shouting at the other one and I am on the sidelines somewhere thinking to my self - shit, we've got an interview in a few hours, how on earth am I going to calm this lot down?
I could tame it all for a few minutes, then another outburst, this went back and forth for about an hour, and I messaged my boyfriend saying that I didn't think I was going to make it out the door at this rate, when the hell did I get so pathetic?
I then just said to my self - Ok, you don't have to go if you really don't want to, but can we just take a shower? Can we just do that first, and if we still feel like this later then we just wont go.
Result!
I managed to get in the shower, had another wave in there which resulted in my sobbing in the corner- the classic movie scene- but I was able to deal with that much easier this time as my responding thought was- yes but we're only having a shower, the interview is not relevant right now. And it was working. After the shower I sat in my bath robes for a little bit, had some tea, chain smoked about 3 cigarettes in 30 mins (Yes I am ashamed of that, and yes I know it doesn't really help), and just watched a few video clips online.
The next step was doing my hair and makeup, I hate that appearance makes a difference, and I don't just mean your clothes. Psychology has proven that your chances of succeeding in anything are slightly higher based on if someone judges you as attractive, and I am not only referring to the opposite sex. We instantly consciously and mostly subconsciously make rapid judgements about someone's appearance. It's gross, and I hate that it's that way, but the evidence is there, it does give you a slight advantage.
This stream of thought's then triggers another roller coaster in my mind- you look tired, you look like shit, you better get your make up spot on, you actually look a bit fat too. Of course I had to wait this one out until I could actually apply any makeup. We got there, eventually. Now that I had managed to get ready, it all seemed like a much lesser ordeal, I had about 15 minutes to spare before I needed to leave.
Having yet another cigarette my mind started to flash back to an interview I had had some months ago and did not get. How humiliated I felt, how hard I worked and studied for that role, how well I thought I had done in the interview, and how embarrassed I felt telling people that I did not get the job. Christ, if I fall down this rabbit hole then i definitely won't walk out that door, I thought to my self, with a mild increase in heart rate, tears almost bursting out of my eyes........Nooooooo don't start crying again, not now, your make up will be fucked and then you will have to do it again, which you don't have time for and you absolutely will not go late, we both know that, you'd rather not go at all then show up late.............
Then there she was, she had heard my cries for help..........she had not abandoned me.
Pull your self together!!!! You definitely needed some humiliation, you had gotten a bit cocky and aside from financial restrictions, don't often have any other blockages in your way, that had inflated your ego. You realised this a few months ago, that you needed a taste of humiliation to ground you again, to remind you to display gratitude, have you forgotten?
You also made it down to the final 2 out of 115 applicants for the job which you did not get, you were second, so will you get over it already, it really is no big deal. And anyway, even if you do go over there today and make a total ass of your self, so? You don't have to see them ever again, and you could do with some interview practice anyway, even if it goes all wrong it will help you feel confident being interviewed again. Look at it as practice, and if it gets you a job then that's a bonus. Challenge your self to attend the interview, anything other than that is a bonus.
A sigh of relief. I feel more confident now she's showed up, we need to go, traffic is nearing peak times too.
You have arrived at your destination. (Sat Nav Lady Voice)
Me- Ummmmm...........this isn't the place sat nav, this is a housing estate not an industrial park!!!!!!! Shit Shit Shit!!
The Demons- Ahh see you can't even find the place, after all of that you didn't even check the maps online first you to be sure of your route, this is your fault, now you are actually late, you can't do anything right, you should just go home.............
Confident Me- Oi!! Shut the fuck up you two!!! Ring them, you must be near by it's probably the other end of this estate the post codes must be the same, ring them and explain where you are and just tell them you're a bit lost, but near by.
I did so, she was right, it was the other end of the estate, they said they knew exactly where I was because everyone trying to find them ends up in the same spot I did, and someone actually drove around to find me, very kindly.
Confident me fully took over at this point, a side of my self I had not seen for some time. She led the show, they grilled me for almost an hour, and offered me the job.
It's part time, 3 days a week. It is not another managerial role, I am done with that. Although there will be customer dealings, it's an upper market clientele, a different kettle of fish, and not sales. I shouldn't be having people treat me like I just ran over their dog if I can't give them what they want instantly. I was just looking for something I would hopefully not hate so much and would help support me financially whilst also giving me the time to develop my own business too.
I was briefly over the moon, then instantly started feeling anxious about not doing well enough there, what problems I could face etc etc. But confident me is on a high right now, so she's got the reigns tight at the moment.
To anyone reading this suffering any kind of depression and/or anxiety issues, I'm not exactly in a position to offer advice per say, but one thing that I am noticing helping a lot is seriously lowering the bar when you're in the moment. I was on the verge of a panic attack contemplating the interview and I was losing control. I lowered the bar to just take a shower. Just eat a piece of toast. Just fix your hair and make up. And that was far more manageable, each step I achieved gave confident me a little bit of energy, until she had enough to take the lead. Break your tasks up, and don't beat your self up if you don't make it all the way, but this simple thing has helped me through many 'outbursts'.
There have been a couple of interview's over the last few months I have not been able to attend. Luckily today I broke through. It's taken many failed attempts to break through.
I do feel there has been something else at hand too. I have come to some key realisations over the last 5-6 weeks specifically, I can't help but ponder the timing. It's almost as if I had to make certain steps in my mind whilst I did not have the distractions of work life, before I would be successful at landing another job. It has felt at times that I've had immeasurable bad luck the last few months, like the universe was trying to tear me down. Maybe it was, at times I feel like I have progressed so much on the inside over the last 7 months, but have been conflicted by the outside projected perspectives of not having a job yet, really not having any money for some time, losing money in crypto, socially withdrawing.
Most people measure success on financial and material terms and most people have seen me as failing recently. However what they have no idea of, is that whilst in their terms I was successful with a good job and financial stability, that I was failing on the inside, spiritually & mentally, that, to me, is failing at life. This has been a huge topic of conflict for me during the last 6-7 months, I have a long way to go, but I feel like some big reset button was presented to me and I pushed it. It's been a whirlwind, an emotional one. But I feel like I am finding me again, through much introspection I have learned a lot about my self and other people and for the first time ever have a clear goal in mind of where I want to go in life and what I want to do, and more specifically what I should be doing.
To everyone reading who resonates with any of this, be it now, or at some point in your life. Please remember that You are Not Alone. There are far more people struggling behind closed doors than you could possibly imagine.
If there are any support groups on discord do let me know, I can add them into the blog.
Edit - I have been informed of a new tag which need's some publicity - #ihaveanxietytoo. I have edited my tags to include it, and further details are in the comments.
Also check out @g0nr0gue 's page, they do some incredible live streams every week along with @narashi- Therapy Thursday's- discussing all sorts of topic's concerning mental health- worth tuning in! You can listen back at anytime too!!
Much Love
MyIndigoInsight