The first step to developing emotional intelligence is to understand your emotions and to understand the mind of your recipient. Ask yourself questions such as "how does this situation make me feel?" or "how does this person make me feel?" Pay attention to how you answer these questions and be careful not to generalize or apply your own feelings to others. If you can, show them a behavior that confirms they are correct in their perceptions.
Emotional intelligence can be developed through self-awareness. When we observe ourselves, we begin to realize our own emotional capacities. This is the first key skill to building strong interpersonal relationships. Self-awareness helps us make logical sense of our own emotional responses and enables us to learn how to change those responses to better ones. Through this lens we are able to see patterns emerging in our relationships, and we are also better able to anticipate future emotional challenges.
How do you know if you are developing emotional intelligence? One way is to pay attention to how you react to situations in which you may have strong emotions. Does your body language change when you are faced with conflict or having to talk to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable? Do you find it difficult to remain calm when people are upset with you? Are you more socially aware than most people? These are questions that you can ask yourself to get a good idea of how good your social awareness is and what you need to develop to improve.
Another indicator of emotional awareness is how you respond to situations that do not require much analysis. Sometimes our nonverbal cues tell us more than words ever could. When you see that someone is fidgeting in their chair, check their eyes for signs of confusion and stress, even if you are unable to overhear what they are saying. Pay attention to the way they move around the room. They may just be trying to keep their stress level down and appear calm and relaxed.
Developing social awareness is just as important as developing your emotional awareness. If you are consciously aware of your reactions to other people and to the situations that you find yourself in, you will gain insight into how you can better handle similar situations in the future. You can take steps to change the way you respond to a certain person or situation by learning to control your emotions before they even begin to show. By paying attention to your nonverbal cues, you can learn to control your responses before they get out of control.
In addition to paying attention to your emotional experience, mindfulness is an important component of emotional intelligence. Mindfulness is becoming fully present in the moment, noting all of the surrounding events and people as they are and without judgment. As you become mindful, you will be able to see your emotions and reactions before they occur and make appropriate actions to control your own feelings. By paying attention to your reactions, you are taking a step towards controlling your own emotional experience and reducing your potential for experiencing negative feelings such as anger or hostility.
The third area of emotional intelligence relates to self-awareness. Self-awareness can be defined as being able to know who and what you are. You may be self-aware in the sense that you have specific perceptions about yourself and your relationships. This also includes your physiological responses to events and other people. Embracing your own self-knowledge can be a tremendous asset. If you find that you have negative beliefs about yourself or your capabilities, developing self-awareness can help you manage stress effectively.
Developing Emotional Intelligence takes work. It does not happen over night. However, by paying attention to your emotional experiences both consciously and unconsciously, building emotional intelligence can be a very real and positive outcome. Remember that self-awareness and mindfulness are two essential but complementary aspects of emotional intelligence. Through your own judgment you can choose to build on these skills and become a more effective person both in your personal and professional life.
