Funny.
Yesterday I made a post about my experience being diagnosed ADHD and how I felt it was an attack on my character. You can go check it if you need some context, but I shared it on social media as well.
I shared it on social media because I realized so many of my relationships were fading under the stress of long distance and a busy schedule and I thought that maybe by sharing some of my personal feelings, I could light something and end up rekindling a friendship or two.
It had the intended effect, had two awesome conversations with different friends today...
But it rekindled something else too.
I was reminded why I always avoided sharing true feelings on social media....my family always sees it.
Of course I could manage who sees my posts, but the whole point of why I'm so introspective and spend so much time going inwards is that I want to conquer my fears and my fears include standing out, being seen, confrontation, misunderstanding...so why would I try to censor myself?
My father sent me a message and as soon as I read it I felt my entire life, I had been conditioning myself with my father's thoughts.
I realized that all of my insecurities were inherited from him.
"Are you sure you want to put that into the world?"
After that he expressed concern for me, mistaking my words as a cry for help rather than a confession. I realized that from within his frame, you cannot trust the world enough to be what comes natural to you, and you need to hide it at all costs. My exposing myself to him is the same as putting myself out there for the wolves.
But if you want to be a wolf tamer, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I know that my parents mean well, but they are not living in reality. They know how unhappy I was as a child and they know that I always felt a very hard time fitting into a society, and yet they still seem to think that my childhood was all happy and perfect. I think they are trying to protect themselves for their own guilt, although I keep insisting that I know they did their best and they should be proud.
But I need to break the chain of fear that I inherited. I know that I am here for more than to be a cog in a machine. I know that I am capable of more and that I want more, so why settle for that? Why allow myself to be small?
Because I'm scared?
I love how life will plant these moments perfectly. As soon as you face your fears you find old narratives start to pop up. Then you have a chance to overcome them or to perpetuate them further and keep them alive.
"Life is hard"
"You can't trust people"
"Don't share too much"
I understand these ideas were meant to protect me, but I've fortified my defenses and have become smart enough to avoid any unnecessary danger, so I categorically reject all fear based logic. Fear is a signal to move you towards action. Messages received, good job, good bye. I am acting.
I am watching my favorite artists on stage these days and imagine myself leading an audience in the same way. It isn't something I necessarily need to do but I want to become able to do that without any qualms and without stumbling over my own feet. That is who I came here to be.
I came here to build trust between people and in order to do that, I need to be willing to take the first step.
There isn't much more to say about this right now. I feel a lot of emotions at the moment, from frustration to elation. All I know is that the promised land is on the other side of fear!
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