Photo by Kristina Flour
The torrential downpour of the rain and the cool breeze it unleashed that evening had a soothing effect on me. I was in my room, wrapped snugly within the warm embrace of my fluffy blanket.
At sixteen, I was hiding a secret that no living being must discover. The rain provided the cover and pleasant ambience to indulge in my secret without distraction from any quarters.
"Kemi! Are you here?" My mother called. I heard her footsteps as she drew closer to my room. I quickly sat up, placed my 'secret' between the pages of a big biology textbook, held the textbook upright and pretended to read.
I carried out this pretence within a nanosecond, I think. Or else I would be toast that evening. My mother opened the door and I glanced up from my reading, like a dutiful daughter and student. "Yes, Mom?"
"Oh. I see you are studying. I was thinking you could help me with a chore. Never mind. Keep studying," my mother said and gently closed my door behind her. I was quiet for a moment and stared into space.
Guilt.
Why did I pretend to study when I was actually indulging in my guilty pleasure of reading erotic scenes in the Mills & Boons romance novel I borrowed from a friend at school?
Bad girl! I reprimanded myself. I debated whether to go and help my mother with the chore or continue to 'pretend' to study. The decision was easy and the cool weather made it easier. I slid deeper into my blanket and feasted my eyes and brain on the pages, absorbed in the unrealistic passionate relationship sweetly depicted in the novel.
I had just discovered this guilty pleasure after I saw my friend, Sadiya, reading a novel in school! Sadiya used a page of an old newspaper to wrap the cover of the romance novel so no one would suspect. I silently stood behind her chair and peered over her shoulders.
The paragraph my eyes landed on was quite erotic and my brain immediately formed the image in my head. My interest was piqued. I knew I had to read the book.
"Wooow," I whispered, and Sadiya quickly clapped the novel shut before I could blink an eye.
"Don't sneak up on me," she said with a frown. Her right eye twitched, which happened whenever she was trying to hide something.
I burst into laughter. "Who's the sneaky one? You are reading a romance novel," I whispered so as not to draw the attention of some classmates.
She placed her finger on her lips, gesturing to me to lower my voice still. I glanced around, no one was paying attention. I sat down beside her and she introduced me to Mills & Boons. She partly removed the newspaper and I was captivated by the cover illustration of a man holding a woman, their lips almost touching in a lovely background. It was a historical romance.
Sadiya had another in her bag and told me she borrowed them from a bookstore at a fee. I thought it was good business. I took the second novel she had and paid her the same fee she paid to the bookstore.
I became hooked on Mills & Boons' novels and was a regular customer at the bookstore.
Rather than moderate my reading of these fascinating novels so I could concentrate on my studies, I became engrossed. My studies suffered a little and so did my chores at home.
My heart nagged me for the wrong impression I gave my family at home—as a hardworking student. I thought as long as my studies did not suffer, no one would judge me, a teenager, for reading adult content.
Sadiya had a better grip on her love for novels while I did not. Exams were drawing close but my nose was constantly buried in those novels. My pocket money was spent on borrowing more novels from the bookstore and I think the sales lady began to like me more than Sadiya. She always gave me an encouraging smile every time I showed up in front of the glass door. I did not realise it was more of business for her than a genuine connection.
A week before our exams, I tried to devote more time to studying and catching up but it was difficult because I was constantly distracted. I would study for an hour and spend another hour on a few chapters of the novel. I was like a junkie.
When our results were released, Sadiya's grades were far better than mine. I did not do well that term and everyone wondered why. My parents were not happy about it.
I was weighed down with guilt and shame. The books did not seem so appealing after I was faced with my lack of good judgement. During the holiday, I had time to reflect and realised that I would have done better in school if I'd moderated my leisure reading.
When school resumed the next term, Sadiya marched into the class and dropped her bag on my desk. "Hey, what happened? The sales lady at the bookstore wondered why you didn't show up during the holiday."
I shook my head. "Uh, I have no money to borrow any book," I lied and buried my nose in my textbook.
I was determined to do better that term.